Countdown to Myrtle: Meet your Golfers - Part 3

It's Friday, and you know what that mean, don't you? Well, yes there is that, but Friday also means another release of the projected player rankings!


10. Matt Sapsford

What will you get today? Perhaps the most manic of the LBI golfers, Saps swings back and forth from goodness to badness - with the equal ability to post a sub-90 round as a 110. Potential for greatness matched with potential for fail. Oh, and there’s always the potential for rage. Still, the positives are starting to outweigh the negatives. With a few dozen cans of liquid confidence he could finally start to cash in on some of that potential....or he could kick out the windshield of the golf cart.

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Saps Says: 2010 was the first time cracking the top 5. Game has improved since last year, but so has the field. Still, I should be able to hold on for a top 10 finish. (Projected Finish - 8th)

CT Says: An anenome? My enemy? No no no, an anomoly! Wait, maybe that is an enigma. What will you get today? That’s the question you ask when playing with Saps these days. Now, you might consider that an insult, but I consider it a sign of change and that, for the good. First, let’s talk rage. The rage is nearly all but gone. Though if I can offer a side note, we played in mid-April and some rage-of-old reappeared. I write that off, though, to the fact it was raining and 42 degrees. I took him #1 last year and he didn’t disappoint, posting a top 3. And I submit to you had he understood the nature of 36 holes (and maybe kept his shirt on in round 2) he could have made it a bit closer. This year though, he’s cost me too much and I think we might have a temporary regression. But don’t be surprised if he sneaks away with it. (CT’s projection: 12th)


9. Brian Ciarlo

Of all the golfers on the LBI tour, Ciarlo is easily the biggest bastard. He's not must mean, he's dastardly in the true classical sense. He's tie a damsel to the train tracks cruel. Doubt me? Just try to cross him! Last year I made the mistake of teeing off before him while he had honors...well he was so angry he kicked a turtle. That's right a cute little turtle was sunning himself by the water and Ciarlo kicked the poor guy. Then he punched me in spine. Nope this cat is a bastard through and through.

Also, he's a Braves fan.

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Saps Says: You know Ciarlo will shoot right on his average, or slightly better, but he'll need someone to fall off if he's to finish in the top 5. (Projected Finish - 7th)

Swedish Chef Says: Herpty hur de durp de dur Ciarlo do derp de derpty Myrtle. Der derpty der de Hole in One der derpty derpty hur! Der, Herpty hur de hur derpty derp. (Projected Finish - Derp)


8. Matt Moden

As you are reading these words, Moden is banging your momz...

...and he's doing it a graphic, immoral, and most likely illegal fashion. As the only 2 time champ, it may sound like this skinny jean wearing mo/fo has game. Well, he does but it’s not always found on the golf course. The true prizes are awarded in the wee hours of the morning, when Moden can be found on the dance floor with limbs flailing about like a deranged Michael Flatley.

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Saps Says: Moden's past finishes: 1st, 1st, 9th, 2nd. How the hell can I justify him falling to 10? For me, this is a gut call. Looking at all of the talent in the top 10, I just think Moden gets squeezed out. (Projected Finish - 10th)

CT Says: Moden is now like the Green Bay Packers of the 80s and 90s. Sure, he won the first two LBI Cups, but was it really a tournament then? I mean, I think in 2008, Ron Dawg used a persimmon driver. And I didn’t catch his first name, but I’m 90% sure Bilbrey’s putter last name was Baroo. Here’s the thing though, no one is a two-time champ. And the more important thing is...remember that ad about 5 years ago from Ford called “What will Phil do?” (if you’re a golfer you will)...Well, the best thing about Moden is waiting to see what he’ll do this year...


7. Gabe Castro

What can i say about Gayb? As a brother-in-law, he's a role model. As a father, he's a mentor. as a professional, he's achieved levels of greatness at age 38 that i may never attain in my career. Ok, Gayb, you know what? I tried using this bio that you submitted to me but i just cant do it with a straight face. So, here's the real one...

In his last trip to myrtle , Gayb did to sleep what what shea, lich and troy did to 7am...we can only hope that performance was due to the trip being his first since becoming a daddy. As far as establishing his drinking prowess, there only one direction he can go. Gayb used to make 3 trips to Vegas per year that involved heaters only seen in the hangover. These days, however, his Vegas trips are bi-annual and when the cute waitress at the Hard Rock comes over to ask what he wants to drink, a 4-Letter Word comes out of his mouth...R-O-S-E.

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Saps Says: Barely missing the top 5 due to the strength of the field and Myrtle rust. Gabe should fall just outside top 5, but easily in the top 10 (Projected Finish - 6th)

CT Says: Gayb has as good of a home grown, natural swing as you will see. Having (proudly) never taken a lesson, he lets is natural ability guide him through his rounds. I’ve played with him for years and never seen it fall apart. The question i have is that he’s played maybe 10 rounds in two years and 3 have been at the Valero Open/Byron pro-ams. He’ll find a way to shoot some solid scores and might squeak into the top 3 but there will be a quad or two that takes him from overall contention...


6. Tim Slough

Tim’s life is just short of perfect. He spent 10 years (allegedly) in the naval academy and in naval service. He’s alive today, so man, that’s gotta be a BIG win having served in active duty. He is now a pilot for Delta, flying the friendly skies. Listen, I don’t know Tim, but I see, the Naval academy followed by Delta pilot and i think one thing...Top Gun. Frankly, when you add in the fact that his last name implies that he’s able to disregard a negative incident, it’s no wonder that he’s (just short of) a scratch golfer. Like I said, his life is just short of perfect. I mean 2.2 handicap???

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Saps Says: This will be an interesting experiment; can a near scratch golfer compete in the LBI amongst the debauchery and bafoonnary? Amongst the mayhem and hijinks? Conventional wisdom says maybe, but I personally believe the answer is "perhaps."

CT Says: I have played with a scratch golfer twice. What impressed me most is the sheer consistency that really doesn’t waver. Now, you add to that, he plays many of his rounds with Bryan Mikoy and maintains his near scratch status and it’s tough to bet against someone with that kind of wherewithal. HOWEVER, add in the level of boozing that occurs in myrtle and I have to stop “just short of” predicting his victory.


15 Golfers down....5 to go.....who will take the number one spot. More importantly, who will actually take home the 2011 LBI trophy? I'm just so excited....and dammit, I refuse to hide it!

~ Saps

Countdown to Myrtle: Meet your Golfers - Part 2

As some of you are (painfully) aware, I just got an iPad, and this has some very important ramifications. First, and foremost, I am now a hipster. Now, I've always had hipster tendencies (you may recall my crazy cool white sunglasses from last year or my love of comic books), but now I'm all in. Yup, from now on out I'm a full fledged, tight black T-shirt wearing, messenger bag toting, sipping my fair trade latte while blogging about music you've never heard of hipster. I'm also going to be mentioning my iPad at just about every chance I can.

It will probably go something like this: "nice putt Matt."
"thanks, I was trading posts with some people over in the keyhole forum on my iPad and I learned this green breaks hard to the left."

Or maybe: "Hey Saps, how did you know waffle house served all those items not found on the menu?".
"Oh, well I was checking out the Food spotting website on my iPad and learned all about the secret menu."

But more likely: "Hey buddy, why are you crying?"
"Because those assholes tossed my new iPad out the window of the RV."

Before you all start hating on my new hipster status, you should know there are some perks. Last year I brought my laptop down to Myrtle with every intention of updating the blog for all those following at home. Those of you at home will remember I did not accomplish this at all....not even close. Just a media blackout fail. But now that I'm a iPad toting hipster, I'm obligated by the hipster code to blog on a regular basis, and the updates will be flowing!

Of course, that doesn't come into play for another couple of weeks. So let's get back to the pre-LBI projections.


15. Dave Nasar

Making his 3rd trip, Dave is now an officially an LBI veteran - and after having off-season back surgery, Dave is an officially an old man. Of course, being in the old dude club means that Dave can also rock a bad ass moustache whenever he pleases. Seriously, the dude’s face is like the play dough fun factory, able to squeeze out a Freddy Mercury thick stash in a matter of minutes. Dave’s game shares the same laissez-faire approach he likes from his federal government. Yeah, he just finished his swing with a one handed follow through..what of it? You don’t have to worry about how many strokes he took and it's none of your business if his credit card is maxed. The ball is going to get into the hole eventually, Dave is going to drink some scotch....and somebody might get a free hat.

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Saps Says: Last year, Nasar fought through a bad back. He had surgery in the off season and is reportedly feeling better than he has in years. This should really help his game, but it should also help him enjoy LBI more - which is the important thing anyways, right? (Projected Finish - 16th)

CT Says: In the fall, Simon Cowell is starting a new show called the X Factor. Up to this point, Nasar’s biggest accomplishment in Myrtle has been to sport the best Freddy Mercury impersonation to be seen outside of SNL. Now, however, he’s had back surgery. He’s had ample time to recover, rehab and hone his game for myrtle. The X Factor is this: was his back the issue, or did his drinking cause much of the problems he faced on the course??? (It might be one year too early for me to predict a major turn around at myrtle...but rest assured i thought REAL hard about making him a dark horse. I guess I just don’t have the guts to make him the underdog of the year...(CT’s projection: 13th)


14. Pat Shea **LBI Rookie**

Not wanting to be completely one-upped by the Mikoy clan, the Shea brothers are looking to make their Myrtle presence felt. Pat's addition has a lot of the LBI crew concerned...not to mention my girlfriend, who upon learning another Shea was joining, wept for hours. After we visited a lawyer and got all my affairs in order, I visited a buddist temple and made peace with the universe. I can safely say that I am ready for whatever may come of this Maelstrom of Shea. My advice to all you is to do the same.

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Saps Says: Adding another Shea to the mix spells trouble for the entire field. Pat is plenty capable, but we need to see how he handles the LBI before projecting any top 10 finishes. (Projected Finish - 12th)

CT Says: There’s two theories behind ranking a Shea. One says that he’ll be a good drinker. The other says that he’ll be tall. I know at least one of those to be true. As you can see, neither of these have anything to do with golf. My one memory of Pat is at Kevin’s wedding where the bridal party entered the reception to the title track from the jock jams cd; and he was into it. Who cares how he plays, he will assuredly fit in well in myrtle. Since I must rank him... (Projected Finish - 11th)


13. Bryan Mikoy

Here comes the story of the Hurricane. We only wish the authorities had came to claim him! By day, this mild mannered family man does stuff with the kids, spends time with the wife, and works around the house. He’s Mr. Mom...the picture of suburban bliss. But when an accidental overdose of booze mixes with his unique body chemistry, a startling metamorphosis occurs.....the creature is drive by rage...and booze. Just as Thor commands the thunder with his hammer, so to does the Hurricane command sobriety with his bellow. With real power comes real responsibility, and Hurricane has been responsible for at least one DQ so far.

(This bio contains 3 references to Marvel superheros...can you guess which ones? Here’s a hint; I didn’t have sex in high school.)

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Saps Says: Last year we had him ranked really high, and he failed to live up to his single digit handicap. This year I think more of the same. The handicap is too low to shrug off a blow up round. (Projected Finish - 11th)

CT Says: In 2008 all we heard for six months was “i’m comin after ya. my game is really strong now”. 2008 result: FAIL. After taking a hiatus in 2009, he came into Myrtle with the lowest handicap of the group and immensely high hopes. While it wasn’t a complete fail, he was bested by his brother on all fronts. In 2011’s LBI he’ll have 3 years of solid play and a close friend who is a ringer to help balance him. It could be his year...That is, unless the pressure gets to him again. His game may be the most improved of anyone in myrtle to date. I’d love to see him prove me wrong, but that handicap is just too low. (Projected Finish - 15th)


12. Rufus Knight

Here are 3 facts about Rufus; He's a proud father, he gets really excited for good food, and he wears long pants on the golf course. Here's one fact about me; I may have a bit of a man crush (It's just so hard to find some who matches my enthusiasm for sandwiches). His game has flashes of goodness intermixed with random badness...and I really do mean random. Over the course of 18 holes, 7 tee shots will employ a strong right to left draw and land perfectly in the fairway, 4 might drift off to the right and land out of bounds, 5 will snap too far to the left and land in the woods, and 2 will fly perfectly straight. Despite being a random shot generator off the tee, Rufus is strong with the short game and may have some of the softest hands of the group. If I play my cards right, maybe he'll even let me hold one. Crap...did I just type that? Great, now I'm gonna blush when I see him next.

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Saps Says: One day, Rufus will learn to hit a consistent ball off the tee, and when that happens he'll be very good. Still, he's got the short game to help make up for the tee box wildness, and should finish in the top 10. (Projected Finish - 9th)

CT Says: I’m still waiting for Rufus to really find his Myrtle identity. He always has a great time. He’s a great man to hang with and is always ready to go out. He might end up getting you excited about drinking but all the time he’s throwing shots over his shoulder. But my question still remains about whether he can find the consistency to put him in the top 5. (Projected Finish - 13th)


11. Doug Barszcz

As famed naturalist Dian Fossey once remarked "By far, the Doug Barszcz is the most playful of the mountain gorillas...his mirthful exuberance and inquisitive nature displays an eerie similarity to humans...truly we are more alike than not." Barz's siren-like abilities will leave golfers scratching their heads and wondering "how the hell did I get so drunk out there...I don't remember ordering that many beers..." Much like the Spanish Inquisition, few see the Barz effect coming - one minute you're casually drinking a beer, and the next you're laying face down naked in the parking lot.

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Saps Says: And so begins the race for last! Barz has the early edge to finish best among the final 5, but anything is possible.. (Projected Finish - 15th)

CT Says: Barz is almost 6 foot tall. Barz weighs north of 200lbs. He’s the kind of guy, who if he was messing with you in a bar, you would think twice about steppin’ to. All that said, Barz’ swing is cute. It’s just so soft and cuddly. I’ve been asking myself (and him) for years now “where is the power?”. Is he the gentle giant? Does he want to ensure he doesn’t re-activate the hernia? is it the gout? No one knows, but through it all, he’s found a way to get those 120/130 scores down to the low 100s. If he can make that happen over 2-3 rounds, he’ll be up there. I, for one, think this will be his year. Oh, and his chin looks like a balls. (Projected Finish - 3rd)


10 down and 10 top go! Tune in next time to learn 10 through 5.....same LBI time, same LBI channel.

See what i did there with the reference to the 1960s Batman? Val Kilmer's Batman is so mainstream....Adam West is cool

~Saps
Posted from my iPad

Swing Thoughts by Steve Boswell