Countdown to Myrtle: Meet Your Golfers - Part 7

Taking a break from living the dream to drop the next golfer in our player projections. Forgive me if I don't write anything more witty, but mojitos be calling my name!


2. Jason Lich

3 Facts. 1) The beast known as “El Chupacabra” is real, and has been terrorizing farmers in Texas and Mexico for centuries. 2) There has never been a sighting north of Reno, NV 3) Jason Lich currently lives in Seattle, Washington.

No one knows exactly how many of these beasts Lich has killed in his valiant protection of the Pacific Northwest, but we can safely assume the numbers are in the tens of thousands. Rattled when tossed from a cart, or chased by the paparazzi, Lich has the mental game of Tiger but overcomes the rage with a solid if unconventional game. Don’t worry about where he’s aiming - 45 degrees to the right will still get piped low and straight down the fairway....245 yards to glory. He's the only member at Myrtle with a hole in own, and one of three with an even par round. It doesn't matter that his swing is that of bizarro-Furyk, if you're matched against him you better bring a bottle of Woodford and your "A" game.

>>>VIEW PLAYER CARD>>>

Saps Says: No Ladd means more focus for Lich. He's not been playing well, but his game is always solid. Should be yet another top 5 finish for El Chupacabra. (Projected Finish - 5th)

CT Says: Lich lethargically leaps over “lasers” while he laments that his limp left hand largely causes his driver to levitate above the lawn on the links. It’s true. Watch him. As for his results, I wonder if his move to Seattle has made him become so engrossed in the whereabouts of mythical creatures that he has lost the ability to maintain his focus on golf. However, there’s a lot of room in that giant shrek-dome and he’s capable of overcoming that nonsense to make a STRONG run this year...

Countdown to Myrtle - Meet Your Golfers - Part 6

LBI is everywhere. It is all around us. Even now, in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes. It is the world that drives our wives, girlfriends, or significant others (Mike loves the c*ck) mad. No one can be told what LBI is, you have to see it for yourself.

You sip your beer, the story ends. You wake up on Monday, your head is fine, and you continue your dull, boring life. You take a shotgun, you stay in wonderland. And, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Introducing your projected number 3...

3) Damon Mikoy

• It is said that the more you know him, the more you get what you don’t expect.
• When a bottle of scotch runs dry in the middle of a party, it sends shivers down his spine.
• Seeing him wear a pair of biking shorts makes you run out to buy a pair only to find out you look silly in them.
• A style of cigar is named after him.
• If he went blind, instead of black he’d see a room full of mahogany and fine leather books.
  

He can play the minute waltz in just over 30 seconds. Yeah, that’s right, he plays the piano.
Oh, and he’ll also drink all night, then go jump into the pacific for a little navy seal training.

If I had to use one word to describe Damon: passion. At the end of the day, Damon approaches nothing with disdain. If he’s doing something, you bet your ass he’s going after it...hard. And remember, a close friend of passion is rage...We will close with a quote from Damon that sums him up nicely: “Golf is a game of etiquette and integrity...asshole!”

>>>VIEW PLAYER CARD<<<

Saps Says:
Last time in the LBI, Damon racked up a DNF due to a sunday flight- but before that he was shooting well. After a few years off, I think he comes back strong and nabs a last top 5 spot. (Projected Finish - 3rd)

CT Says:
Four rounds will be tough, but there’s not a lot of problems with his game. Just those pesky 3 foot putts! Damon rarely has problems off the tee or with his irons. It really will come down to his play around the greens. Could a couple 3 putts engage the rage motor or will we see a cool calm and collected D take home the trophy??? It will be too close to call.

Countdown to Myrtle: Meet Your Golfers - Part 5

Oh Lordy, we're getting down to the wire! Only 9 more days until the first tee shot. 9 more days until shirtless shotguns, hooters hula hoops, and general jackassery. As this is the last full week before we depart, we'll be releasing a player bio per day! Ambitious, sure, but were dedicated to bringing you the best ways to waste company time with out sending out delicious pornography. Oh, and to make things even better by this time tomorrow I'll in Vegas. A week in Vegas, followed right up by a week at Myrtle? Sweet Jesus...start the prop bets on whether on not I finish the 1st round!

4. Kevin Shea

Folks round this way claim Kevin Shea is not so much a man as he is a part of nature. They say his mamma was the wind, and his pappa the forest. They say tornadoes spawn from his sneezes and hurricanes from his farts. He's nine feet tall if he's a foot, and his arms can stretch from the Kansas clear to Arkansas. Yes sir, Kevin Shea once drank a bar clean out of Capitan Morgan and when the bartender told him there was nothing left, Sheabone replied "that's OK partner, I felt like switching to Vodka anyways." Tall tales maybe, but spend enough time around this lanky character and you may find yourself telling a Sheabone story of your own.

Also, he’s a robot.

>>>VIEW PLAYER CARD>>>


Saps Says: Saps's Sleeper Special(tm). Shea will constantly be in pound town, and rarely wear a shirt - but along the way he'll play some golf. Handicap is high, but scoring average is coming down. This could be the year Shea cracks Top 5 (Projected Finish - 4th)

CT Says: The quality of Kevin’s play is inversely related to the probability of two, maybe three, factors. (i) the pending probability of a supervolcanic explosion and subsequent mad max-like post-apocalyptic society based on a system of bartering; (ii) the probability of a zombie event - one in which is induced by humans or through the natural course of human events. (iii) a robot infiltrate of humans whereby they become our overlords. Now, overlay this with the direct relationship of his golf play and his volume of shirtless shotguns on any given round AND the fact that the probability of the events noted above increase in his mind while drinking and it’s really anyone’s guess how Sheabone will play.

4 more to go!

~Saps

Countdown to Myrtle: Meet your Golfers - Part 4

Before we bring you number 5, let's recap how we got here.

#20 - Jimmy Flynn: The question is not whether or not Jimmy will place last, it's whether or not he'll finish. Bet hard for the DNF!!!

#19 - Mike Hollandsworth: It'll be another battle for last place, but Hollywood is working hard to get his average in line with his handicap. He's got a long way to go, and unfortunately he could be the most improved player coming into Myrlte and still not show any change in handicap or rankings.

#18 - Troy Welck: Trouble T-Roy...the name says it all.

#17 - Rob Weinig: Even before he’s been on a single LBI trip, Rob is already being considered for a yearly memorial award. He recently suffered a broken face after being sucker-punched trying to break up a fight at a Caps game. It’s clear he cares about his fellow man and there’s nothin’ but good karma coming his way for a long while.

#16 - Chris Stevens: Stevens has been nowhere to be seen on the courses since last year’s Myrtle. However, it’s been 7 years since I’ve lived back in DC and I still have no clue if he even has a job.

#15 - Dave Nasar: In the fall, Simon Cowell is starting a new show called the X Factor. Up to this point, Nasar’s biggest accomplishment in Myrtle has been to sport the best Freddy Mercury impersonation to be seen outside of SNL.

#14 - Pat Shea: There’s two theories behind ranking a Shea. One says that he’ll be a good drinker. The other says that he’ll be tall. I know at least one of those to be true.

#13 - Bryan Mikoy: Just as Thor commands the thunder with his hammer, so to does the Hurricane command sobriety with his bellow. With real power comes real responsibility, and Hurricane has been responsible for at least one DQ so far.

#12 - Rufus Knight: He always has a great time. He’s a great man to hang with and is always ready to go out. He might end up getting you excited about drinking but all the time he’s throwing shots over his shoulder.

#11 - Doug Barszcz: Barz is almost 6 foot tall. Barz weighs north of 200lbs. He’s the kind of guy, who if he was messing with you in a bar, you would think twice about steppin’ to. All that said, Barz’ swing is cute. It’s just so soft and cuddly.

#10 - Matt Sapsford: An anenome? My enemy? No no no, an anomoly! Wait, maybe that is an enigma. What will you get today? That’s the question you ask when playing with Saps these days.

#9 - Brian Ciarlo: Swedish Chef says ... Herpty hur de durp de dur Ciarlo do derp de derpty Myrtle. Der derpty der de Hole in One der derpty derpty hur! Der, Herpty hur de hur derpty derp.

#8 - Matt Moden: As you are reading these words, Moden is banging your momz...

#7 - Gabe Castro: GaYb

#6 - Tim Slough: This will be an interesting experiment; can a near scratch golfer compete in the LBI amongst the debauchery and bafoonnary? Amongst the mayhem and hijinks? Conventional wisdom says maybe, but I personally believe the answer is "perhaps."

and your projected number 5 for 2011.........

#5 Brett Mikoy: Monsieur Brett est l'un des golfeurs les plus constants dans le groupe LBI. Il joue sans erreur, mais non sans charme: Plusieurs jeux ont été sauvés par le coup de miricles. Bien sûr, Monsieur Brett ne se contente pas voir jusqu'à balancer le bâton. Il sera l'alcool, il y aura français .... et peut-être même parler de robots. Aller en tête à tête avec monsieur Brett exige une grande concentration, et un dictionnaire anglais vers le français. Il est partie dans sa culotte, et tout le monde est invité.

Si vous ne pouvez pas lire ce texte, vous êtes aussi stupide. Suivez ce lien: Google Translate

Saps Says: It was a tough call between CT and Brett. While CT holds the edge in head to head match play, Brett is better suited for Myrtle Golf. In the end, I think the 8 strokes "penalty" will be the difference between 1st and 2nd...despite the fact Brett won last year by exactly 8 strokes. (Projected Finish - 2nd)

CT Says: If there's anything Brett knows it's duh, Winning! He'll be the first to tell you abut his numerous CAN Championships, his perfect game bowling or his even par (liberty free) round of golf. Unfortunately, most of us don't have those on our resume, so in the famous words of Gerg (He who fills the meatpipe), "How can you compete?". That's always the queston when playing against Brett. He doesn't always bring his A game. But he almost always finds a way to get the most out of the game he brings. If he happens to bring the A game to myrtle again this year, those 8 strokes he loses being the defending champ may not matter. (CT's projectoion: 3rd)

>>>VIEW PLAYER CARD<<<

Countdown to Myrtle: Meet your Golfers - Part 3

It's Friday, and you know what that mean, don't you? Well, yes there is that, but Friday also means another release of the projected player rankings!


10. Matt Sapsford

What will you get today? Perhaps the most manic of the LBI golfers, Saps swings back and forth from goodness to badness - with the equal ability to post a sub-90 round as a 110. Potential for greatness matched with potential for fail. Oh, and there’s always the potential for rage. Still, the positives are starting to outweigh the negatives. With a few dozen cans of liquid confidence he could finally start to cash in on some of that potential....or he could kick out the windshield of the golf cart.

>>>VIEW PLAYER CARD>>>

Saps Says: 2010 was the first time cracking the top 5. Game has improved since last year, but so has the field. Still, I should be able to hold on for a top 10 finish. (Projected Finish - 8th)

CT Says: An anenome? My enemy? No no no, an anomoly! Wait, maybe that is an enigma. What will you get today? That’s the question you ask when playing with Saps these days. Now, you might consider that an insult, but I consider it a sign of change and that, for the good. First, let’s talk rage. The rage is nearly all but gone. Though if I can offer a side note, we played in mid-April and some rage-of-old reappeared. I write that off, though, to the fact it was raining and 42 degrees. I took him #1 last year and he didn’t disappoint, posting a top 3. And I submit to you had he understood the nature of 36 holes (and maybe kept his shirt on in round 2) he could have made it a bit closer. This year though, he’s cost me too much and I think we might have a temporary regression. But don’t be surprised if he sneaks away with it. (CT’s projection: 12th)


9. Brian Ciarlo

Of all the golfers on the LBI tour, Ciarlo is easily the biggest bastard. He's not must mean, he's dastardly in the true classical sense. He's tie a damsel to the train tracks cruel. Doubt me? Just try to cross him! Last year I made the mistake of teeing off before him while he had honors...well he was so angry he kicked a turtle. That's right a cute little turtle was sunning himself by the water and Ciarlo kicked the poor guy. Then he punched me in spine. Nope this cat is a bastard through and through.

Also, he's a Braves fan.

>>>VIEW PLAYER CARD>>>

Saps Says: You know Ciarlo will shoot right on his average, or slightly better, but he'll need someone to fall off if he's to finish in the top 5. (Projected Finish - 7th)

Swedish Chef Says: Herpty hur de durp de dur Ciarlo do derp de derpty Myrtle. Der derpty der de Hole in One der derpty derpty hur! Der, Herpty hur de hur derpty derp. (Projected Finish - Derp)


8. Matt Moden

As you are reading these words, Moden is banging your momz...

...and he's doing it a graphic, immoral, and most likely illegal fashion. As the only 2 time champ, it may sound like this skinny jean wearing mo/fo has game. Well, he does but it’s not always found on the golf course. The true prizes are awarded in the wee hours of the morning, when Moden can be found on the dance floor with limbs flailing about like a deranged Michael Flatley.

>>>VIEW PLAYER CARD>>>

Saps Says: Moden's past finishes: 1st, 1st, 9th, 2nd. How the hell can I justify him falling to 10? For me, this is a gut call. Looking at all of the talent in the top 10, I just think Moden gets squeezed out. (Projected Finish - 10th)

CT Says: Moden is now like the Green Bay Packers of the 80s and 90s. Sure, he won the first two LBI Cups, but was it really a tournament then? I mean, I think in 2008, Ron Dawg used a persimmon driver. And I didn’t catch his first name, but I’m 90% sure Bilbrey’s putter last name was Baroo. Here’s the thing though, no one is a two-time champ. And the more important thing is...remember that ad about 5 years ago from Ford called “What will Phil do?” (if you’re a golfer you will)...Well, the best thing about Moden is waiting to see what he’ll do this year...


7. Gabe Castro

What can i say about Gayb? As a brother-in-law, he's a role model. As a father, he's a mentor. as a professional, he's achieved levels of greatness at age 38 that i may never attain in my career. Ok, Gayb, you know what? I tried using this bio that you submitted to me but i just cant do it with a straight face. So, here's the real one...

In his last trip to myrtle , Gayb did to sleep what what shea, lich and troy did to 7am...we can only hope that performance was due to the trip being his first since becoming a daddy. As far as establishing his drinking prowess, there only one direction he can go. Gayb used to make 3 trips to Vegas per year that involved heaters only seen in the hangover. These days, however, his Vegas trips are bi-annual and when the cute waitress at the Hard Rock comes over to ask what he wants to drink, a 4-Letter Word comes out of his mouth...R-O-S-E.

>>>VIEW PLAYER CARD>>>

Saps Says: Barely missing the top 5 due to the strength of the field and Myrtle rust. Gabe should fall just outside top 5, but easily in the top 10 (Projected Finish - 6th)

CT Says: Gayb has as good of a home grown, natural swing as you will see. Having (proudly) never taken a lesson, he lets is natural ability guide him through his rounds. I’ve played with him for years and never seen it fall apart. The question i have is that he’s played maybe 10 rounds in two years and 3 have been at the Valero Open/Byron pro-ams. He’ll find a way to shoot some solid scores and might squeak into the top 3 but there will be a quad or two that takes him from overall contention...


6. Tim Slough

Tim’s life is just short of perfect. He spent 10 years (allegedly) in the naval academy and in naval service. He’s alive today, so man, that’s gotta be a BIG win having served in active duty. He is now a pilot for Delta, flying the friendly skies. Listen, I don’t know Tim, but I see, the Naval academy followed by Delta pilot and i think one thing...Top Gun. Frankly, when you add in the fact that his last name implies that he’s able to disregard a negative incident, it’s no wonder that he’s (just short of) a scratch golfer. Like I said, his life is just short of perfect. I mean 2.2 handicap???

>>>VIEW PLAYER CARD>>>

Saps Says: This will be an interesting experiment; can a near scratch golfer compete in the LBI amongst the debauchery and bafoonnary? Amongst the mayhem and hijinks? Conventional wisdom says maybe, but I personally believe the answer is "perhaps."

CT Says: I have played with a scratch golfer twice. What impressed me most is the sheer consistency that really doesn’t waver. Now, you add to that, he plays many of his rounds with Bryan Mikoy and maintains his near scratch status and it’s tough to bet against someone with that kind of wherewithal. HOWEVER, add in the level of boozing that occurs in myrtle and I have to stop “just short of” predicting his victory.


15 Golfers down....5 to go.....who will take the number one spot. More importantly, who will actually take home the 2011 LBI trophy? I'm just so excited....and dammit, I refuse to hide it!

~ Saps

Countdown to Myrtle: Meet your Golfers - Part 2

As some of you are (painfully) aware, I just got an iPad, and this has some very important ramifications. First, and foremost, I am now a hipster. Now, I've always had hipster tendencies (you may recall my crazy cool white sunglasses from last year or my love of comic books), but now I'm all in. Yup, from now on out I'm a full fledged, tight black T-shirt wearing, messenger bag toting, sipping my fair trade latte while blogging about music you've never heard of hipster. I'm also going to be mentioning my iPad at just about every chance I can.

It will probably go something like this: "nice putt Matt."
"thanks, I was trading posts with some people over in the keyhole forum on my iPad and I learned this green breaks hard to the left."

Or maybe: "Hey Saps, how did you know waffle house served all those items not found on the menu?".
"Oh, well I was checking out the Food spotting website on my iPad and learned all about the secret menu."

But more likely: "Hey buddy, why are you crying?"
"Because those assholes tossed my new iPad out the window of the RV."

Before you all start hating on my new hipster status, you should know there are some perks. Last year I brought my laptop down to Myrtle with every intention of updating the blog for all those following at home. Those of you at home will remember I did not accomplish this at all....not even close. Just a media blackout fail. But now that I'm a iPad toting hipster, I'm obligated by the hipster code to blog on a regular basis, and the updates will be flowing!

Of course, that doesn't come into play for another couple of weeks. So let's get back to the pre-LBI projections.


15. Dave Nasar

Making his 3rd trip, Dave is now an officially an LBI veteran - and after having off-season back surgery, Dave is an officially an old man. Of course, being in the old dude club means that Dave can also rock a bad ass moustache whenever he pleases. Seriously, the dude’s face is like the play dough fun factory, able to squeeze out a Freddy Mercury thick stash in a matter of minutes. Dave’s game shares the same laissez-faire approach he likes from his federal government. Yeah, he just finished his swing with a one handed follow through..what of it? You don’t have to worry about how many strokes he took and it's none of your business if his credit card is maxed. The ball is going to get into the hole eventually, Dave is going to drink some scotch....and somebody might get a free hat.

>>>VIEW PLAYER CARD>>>

Saps Says: Last year, Nasar fought through a bad back. He had surgery in the off season and is reportedly feeling better than he has in years. This should really help his game, but it should also help him enjoy LBI more - which is the important thing anyways, right? (Projected Finish - 16th)

CT Says: In the fall, Simon Cowell is starting a new show called the X Factor. Up to this point, Nasar’s biggest accomplishment in Myrtle has been to sport the best Freddy Mercury impersonation to be seen outside of SNL. Now, however, he’s had back surgery. He’s had ample time to recover, rehab and hone his game for myrtle. The X Factor is this: was his back the issue, or did his drinking cause much of the problems he faced on the course??? (It might be one year too early for me to predict a major turn around at myrtle...but rest assured i thought REAL hard about making him a dark horse. I guess I just don’t have the guts to make him the underdog of the year...(CT’s projection: 13th)


14. Pat Shea **LBI Rookie**

Not wanting to be completely one-upped by the Mikoy clan, the Shea brothers are looking to make their Myrtle presence felt. Pat's addition has a lot of the LBI crew concerned...not to mention my girlfriend, who upon learning another Shea was joining, wept for hours. After we visited a lawyer and got all my affairs in order, I visited a buddist temple and made peace with the universe. I can safely say that I am ready for whatever may come of this Maelstrom of Shea. My advice to all you is to do the same.

>>>VIEW PLAYER CARD>>>

Saps Says: Adding another Shea to the mix spells trouble for the entire field. Pat is plenty capable, but we need to see how he handles the LBI before projecting any top 10 finishes. (Projected Finish - 12th)

CT Says: There’s two theories behind ranking a Shea. One says that he’ll be a good drinker. The other says that he’ll be tall. I know at least one of those to be true. As you can see, neither of these have anything to do with golf. My one memory of Pat is at Kevin’s wedding where the bridal party entered the reception to the title track from the jock jams cd; and he was into it. Who cares how he plays, he will assuredly fit in well in myrtle. Since I must rank him... (Projected Finish - 11th)


13. Bryan Mikoy

Here comes the story of the Hurricane. We only wish the authorities had came to claim him! By day, this mild mannered family man does stuff with the kids, spends time with the wife, and works around the house. He’s Mr. Mom...the picture of suburban bliss. But when an accidental overdose of booze mixes with his unique body chemistry, a startling metamorphosis occurs.....the creature is drive by rage...and booze. Just as Thor commands the thunder with his hammer, so to does the Hurricane command sobriety with his bellow. With real power comes real responsibility, and Hurricane has been responsible for at least one DQ so far.

(This bio contains 3 references to Marvel superheros...can you guess which ones? Here’s a hint; I didn’t have sex in high school.)

>>>VIEW PLAYER CARD>>>

Saps Says: Last year we had him ranked really high, and he failed to live up to his single digit handicap. This year I think more of the same. The handicap is too low to shrug off a blow up round. (Projected Finish - 11th)

CT Says: In 2008 all we heard for six months was “i’m comin after ya. my game is really strong now”. 2008 result: FAIL. After taking a hiatus in 2009, he came into Myrtle with the lowest handicap of the group and immensely high hopes. While it wasn’t a complete fail, he was bested by his brother on all fronts. In 2011’s LBI he’ll have 3 years of solid play and a close friend who is a ringer to help balance him. It could be his year...That is, unless the pressure gets to him again. His game may be the most improved of anyone in myrtle to date. I’d love to see him prove me wrong, but that handicap is just too low. (Projected Finish - 15th)


12. Rufus Knight

Here are 3 facts about Rufus; He's a proud father, he gets really excited for good food, and he wears long pants on the golf course. Here's one fact about me; I may have a bit of a man crush (It's just so hard to find some who matches my enthusiasm for sandwiches). His game has flashes of goodness intermixed with random badness...and I really do mean random. Over the course of 18 holes, 7 tee shots will employ a strong right to left draw and land perfectly in the fairway, 4 might drift off to the right and land out of bounds, 5 will snap too far to the left and land in the woods, and 2 will fly perfectly straight. Despite being a random shot generator off the tee, Rufus is strong with the short game and may have some of the softest hands of the group. If I play my cards right, maybe he'll even let me hold one. Crap...did I just type that? Great, now I'm gonna blush when I see him next.

>>>VIEW PLAYER CARD>>>

Saps Says: One day, Rufus will learn to hit a consistent ball off the tee, and when that happens he'll be very good. Still, he's got the short game to help make up for the tee box wildness, and should finish in the top 10. (Projected Finish - 9th)

CT Says: I’m still waiting for Rufus to really find his Myrtle identity. He always has a great time. He’s a great man to hang with and is always ready to go out. He might end up getting you excited about drinking but all the time he’s throwing shots over his shoulder. But my question still remains about whether he can find the consistency to put him in the top 5. (Projected Finish - 13th)


11. Doug Barszcz

As famed naturalist Dian Fossey once remarked "By far, the Doug Barszcz is the most playful of the mountain gorillas...his mirthful exuberance and inquisitive nature displays an eerie similarity to humans...truly we are more alike than not." Barz's siren-like abilities will leave golfers scratching their heads and wondering "how the hell did I get so drunk out there...I don't remember ordering that many beers..." Much like the Spanish Inquisition, few see the Barz effect coming - one minute you're casually drinking a beer, and the next you're laying face down naked in the parking lot.

>>>VIEW PLAYER CARD>>>

Saps Says: And so begins the race for last! Barz has the early edge to finish best among the final 5, but anything is possible.. (Projected Finish - 15th)

CT Says: Barz is almost 6 foot tall. Barz weighs north of 200lbs. He’s the kind of guy, who if he was messing with you in a bar, you would think twice about steppin’ to. All that said, Barz’ swing is cute. It’s just so soft and cuddly. I’ve been asking myself (and him) for years now “where is the power?”. Is he the gentle giant? Does he want to ensure he doesn’t re-activate the hernia? is it the gout? No one knows, but through it all, he’s found a way to get those 120/130 scores down to the low 100s. If he can make that happen over 2-3 rounds, he’ll be up there. I, for one, think this will be his year. Oh, and his chin looks like a balls. (Projected Finish - 3rd)


10 down and 10 top go! Tune in next time to learn 10 through 5.....same LBI time, same LBI channel.

See what i did there with the reference to the 1960s Batman? Val Kilmer's Batman is so mainstream....Adam West is cool

~Saps
Posted from my iPad

Countdown to Myrtle: Meet Your Golfers - Part 1

Can you believe LBI 2011 is less than a month away?? In fact, by the time you read this, it will probably be even closer! Holy crap! I just don't know how to contain all this excitement!

Well, you know what, I don't have to contain nothing. Nope, I'm just letting it fly loose and free. Running up and up and down the halls yelling "MyrtleMyrtleMyrtleMyrtleMyrtle" over and over again. I even have my own little "Myrtle Dance". Yup, by the time May 17th gets here (provided I still have a job), my office will probably offer to pay my way down to Myrtle, just to get me the hell out of here.

Still, I suppose I could focus some of this energy constructively. To that end, I'll be updating the blog regularly between now and RV departure - beginning with this installment of "Meet your golfers." Last month, a panel of experts performed a highly scientific statistical analysis of each golfer, and then fed this data into a computer. After surfing porn for a couple of hours and playing Angry Birds, the research team went back to the data, analyzed the information, and projected each golfer's LBI 2011 finish. This stuff is strong with the science!

So without further adieu, I present the bottom 5 projected finishes...and Boswell. Remember, you can view the full bio's and look at a ton of statistics, summaries, and even swing videos for each golfer at the LBI website.

N/A Steve Boswell

Is the pope a catholic? Does a Bos $#&@ in the woods? As the elder statesman of the group, Jesus Boswellio carries a regal nobility which compliments his mature demeanor. That is unless he’s running around the golf course with his testicles hanging out of his pants. A lover of beers both Belgian and hopped, Sir Boswellicus the Inebriated can often be found swilling beverages at the Bottom Line with his current life partner Shea (rumor is they got married during a recent trip out to Las Vegas). Bos’s golf game took turn a big time turn in 2009 as he fought through a wrist injury and multitudes of mental demons to win the LBI Cup. Unfortunately, the injury bug has reared it’s ugly head, and Bos won’t be participating in the 2011 LBI Championship. Shoulder surgery may keep him off the greens, but it won’t keep him away from Myrtle. Happily, Bos will still be making the trek this year - you’ll find him drinking beers and chilling in the golf cart with Shea’s “caddies.”

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20 Jimmy Flynn **LBI Rookie**

Jimmy is big. Everything about Jimmy is big. Big boy, big laugh, big personality....and his big fist will leave a big bruise on your arm (just ask Bos). Jimmy is also loud. Oh lordy, he’s loud. For Myrtle, we’re not only projecting some big scores but we’re also expecting you to know about them even if you’re three groups back. Jimmy is rolling down to Myrtle as a rookie, and whether or not he is able to knock the rust off his game in the next month, he will more than likely succumb to more than a couple big, loud nights. There’s no doubt the big boy will have fun, the question is just how much will that fun interfere with the golf game. The answer is probably “a lot.” Heaven help us all if Bubba and Hurricane decide to have a ‘big’ night at the same time. I don’t know if any of us can withstand that kind of punishment.

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Saps Says: The question is not whether or not Jimmy will place last, it's whether or not he'll finish. Bet hard for the DNF!!! (Saps's Projection - 19th)

CT Says: Speaking anecdotally, it took Jimmy a solid two to three seasons before his true bowling skills were exhibited to their fullest potential. Even today, carrying the first or second highest average on the team, he still cowers from the clean up position. He’s just not yet a closer. But he’s young and even Mariano Rivera started out as a set up man.

Jimmy’s golf game doesn’t appear to be in the same class as his bowling game. So, don’t bet too much money on him bringing home a trophy this year. But also, don’t bet on anyone he’s paired up with, either... (CT's projection - 18th)

19 Mike Hollandsworth

Along with Lich, Brett, & Hurricane Mikoy, Mike is among the only member of the LBI crew to post a score of 72. Unfortunately, it was on the back 9 at Old Hickory. As a rookie in 2010, Mike was the only golfer not to finish a round. While his last place finish was primarily due to the effects of Hurricane Mikoy, Hollywood (admit it, you loved that movie) struggled over the course of the week and Bryan’s alcoholic assault could very well be considered a Kevorkian like mercy killing. Still, there is optimism for 2011 - Mike may be rolling to Myrtle with a couple lessons under his belt and his actual handicap is getting closer and closer to the max allowed by law (39.1 vs. 36.4). Plus, we’ll have couple of new faces this year which should give Mike an edge, albeit ever so slight.

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Saps Says: It'll be another battle for last place, but Hollandsworth is working hard to get his average in line with his handicap. He's got a long way to go, and unfortunately he could be the most improved player coming into Myrlte and still not show any change in handicap or rankings. (Saps's Projection - 18th)

CT Says: With that high handicap, it’s so tempting to put him up as a contender. Add to that a recent lesson that changed his grip has enabled him to post a couple rounds south of 120 and this kid is just begging the risk takers to throw some money on him. But I’ve got a kid and a wife and am just not in a position to take such a risk. I believe as early as next year he could be a strong contender. But this year, there’s still too many questions to be answered with his game... (CT's projection - 19th)

18 Troy Welck

Trouble T-Roy. He’s Mayhem from the television commercials; “I’m the quiet guy riding next to you in the golf cart. While you’re growing more and more frustrated with your game, I’m ordering another 12-pack from the beverage cart. While you’re adding up your scorecard, I’ve already ordered up a second round of shots. You blink, and all it’s 7am and you’re in a strip club parking lot.” As best I can tell, Troy hasn’t picked up a club since he left Myrtle a year ago, but then again practice was never all that high of a priority. From the wake up, grip it and rip it school, Troy’s game is all about quiet sneakiness. Pay attention!

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Saps Says: Trouble T-Roy...the name says it all. (Saps's Projection - 17th)

CT Says: Troy is here to get his fix of golf and spend some quality drunken time with the boys. If you’re betting on Troy, I recommend sticking with whether or not he leaves Myrtle Beach with a cell phone. Historically, that’s a 50/50 bet. (CT's projection - 17th)

17* Rob Weining **LBI Rookie**

*potentially injured

In a word, eclectic (here you go Jimmy). Sure, he may look like a dirty hippie, and yes he plays plays guitar, mandolin, sings, acts and has long hair. But he also plays flag football for the CAN league, baseball with the Newshounds and now golf with LBI. Oh wait, he grills a mean burger, and infuses his own booze (although, drinking one of his mysterious concoctions may cause you to vomit off the back of a deck). So just how will this jack of all trades fare down in Myrtle with the jacks of all asses? Can Rob add surviving Myrtle to his list of accomplishments, or will he hit that rookie wall? Only time will tell. Actually, that’s a completely ridiculous question. He’s gonna hit the wall.

Saps Says: Looking at it from only a golf perspective, Rob has an excellent chance of posting solid scores. His game is steady, and while he’s not the biggest hitter, he generally stays out of trouble. Of course, we all know Myrtle isn’t just about the golf and there is a good chance he’ll hit that rookie wall. Still, I think Rob will make a strong showing in his rookie trip and finish inside the top 15. (Saps's Projection - 13th)

CT Says: Even before he’s been on a single LBI trip, Rob is already being considered for a yearly memorial award. He recently suffered a broken face after being sucker-punched trying to break up a fight at a Caps game. It’s clear he cares about his fellow man and there’s nothin’ but good karma coming his way for a long while. On top of all this, his diet leading up to LBI ‘11 will be very similar to what he’ll be getting in Myrtle; LIQUID! While I must admit I made this prediction prior to (i) knowing Rob at all and (ii) him suffering this setback, I wish I could now make him finish stronger. Just being able to make it and play will be a win this year. (CT's projection - 14th)

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16 Chris Stevens

The legend of White Lightning started way back in the fall of 1987. George Michael’s “Faith” was sitting atop the charts and a fresh-faced Charlie Sheen was learning all the wrong lessons from mentor Gordon Gekko. The weather was unseasonably warm for Topeka and Chris Stevens was curled up with high school sweet-heart Sandy Peppersmith in the cool shade of her father’s willow tree. Locals say the storm approached from nowhere, and when the hail fell, the two love birds were miles away from any shelter. They say never to stand under a tree when lightning is present, but with no where to run, the lovers huddled beneath the mighty tree, hoping for it’s protection. The last thing Chris saw was an explosion of light, and then...darkness. When he awoke, both he and Sandy were safely inside the school gym, taking refuse with the rest of the community as an F-5 tornado ripped through the town. But what happened to them, and how did they get there? Dozens of eye witnesses shared a similar, though confusing sight. They saw a white blur, that could best be described as a man carrying a woman away from the deadly funnel. Those in the gym don’t even recall seeing Chris and Sandy enter they gym...they just appeared...Chris dazed and out of breath. To this day, Chris doesn’t know how they arrived safely, or why his pubic hair is white.

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Saps Says: If he goes on a run here and there, Stevens could edge a little higher in the standings. I'm confident he'll round out the top 15. (Saps's Projection - 15)

CT Says: Stevens has been nowhere to be seen on the courses since last year’s Myrtle. However, it’s been 7 years since I’ve lived back in DC and I still have no clue if he even has a job. So, could he have been playing under the radar and practicing like a madman? Sure, it’s possible; but unlikely. He’ll come. He’ll bring a great attitude. He’ll drink his fair share of beers and beyond. But contend? Not this year. (CT's projection - 16th)

So there you have the projected bottom 5. Coming soon, #s 15 - 11. Who is the projected #1? Stay tuned to find out - and as always you can head over to the LBI Facebook group to discuss / argue / lay down bets! Now, if you will excuse me, I have a Myrtle jig to perform in my office.

MyrtleMyrtleMyrtleMyrtleMyrtle

~Saps