When last we left....

When last we left, our heroes had departed the Waffle House, traveling south towards Destiny. I took my first turn at the wheel and quickly earned my stripes by not killing us all on the back roads of South Carolina. A job well done. I was the bane of several cars and trucks along the way, but to hell with all of them, "I ain't in no hurry...." To be honest, this was one of the most enjoyable moments of the trip. The sun was shining, my belly was full of waffle house goodness, the kids were pounding beers in the back, and a line of cars was flashing their lights and flipping me off as I drove 30 mph in a 45 mph zone. Just try to pass me, you $%#@ers!!!

As we drove closer to Myrtle, we expected to see signs of the wild fires which crippled the area a few days before. We'd all seen some really terrible footage on the news, but there was no real evidence from the road. No Burned trees, no smoke, no haze....nothing. Interestingly, when we woke up the next morning, the haze was so thick we could barely see out of our condo, and the entire area smelled like a camp fire. It seemed for our journey down to Myrtle, good fortune was on our side.

We pulled into Myrtle somewhere in the early afternoon (time had already lost meaning), checked into Myrtlewood, listened to some erotic stories courtesy of the XM Playboy Channel, wandered around Maritn's Golf Superstore, then settled down by the pool to sip a few beers and wait for everyone else to trickle in. A few of us kicked around the idea of hitting the driving range, but that just seemed like too much effort. The sun was shining, and we had beers.

Ciarlo showed up a couple hours later, and after he relaxed for a few minutes, the two of us rolled over to the supermarket to pick up a few cases of beer. "what do you think....4 cases?" "yeah, that should last us a couple of days."

More like a couple of hours.

In Myrtle 2008, Brett scheduled a practice round for Wednesday. For Myrtle 2009 however, he felt this day would be better served as a travel day - allowi

ng people to trickle in on their own schedule. In effect, Wednesday was a practice round - just not for golf. Not only did we finish the 4 cases of booze, but when Lich showed up with a 5th case - we drank that sum'bitch too. Things started out nice and easy. We cleaned up, ordered pizza, and sipped down some booze. Brett presented Moden with the championship trophy, engraved to preserve his back to back championships for all eternity. Moden treated this award with quiet dignity. . . before filling it with beer, exclaiming the cup was as wide as our mom's va-jay-jay.

Around this point the night took a turn. Brett, Ciarlo and Bos disappeared (presumably to gain a competitive edge by stealing a couple extra hours of sleep). Moden was attempting to lead a charge to Broadway @ the Beach. Sheabone and Troy were just up to no good. The rest of us decided to play a game of speed quarters, and after some debate on the actual rules, played a few rounds. About a half hour into the game, the decision was made (passive voice used because I can't remember who belongs to this dumb ass idea) to place a half shot of Seagrams Seven in the middle of the circle. From here on, the penalty was no longer taking a sip of beer, but rather a half shot of whiskey. Barsczc was the early recipient of the whiskey, as the coins just weren't bouncing his way. I then made the classic blunder of leaving a drinking game to call home. I talked with my girlfriend for a few minutes, and returned to face whatever penalty was coming to me. I took a couple of penalty shots with a cocky attitude, saying "yeah, whatever, you still can't see me!" Well, that's the thing about quarters - One minute you're 10 for 10, but a few bad bounces and things can reverse quickly. After the 4th consecutive loss, the assorted shots started to take their toll. While I felt coherent enough, my motor skills were certainly on the decline. I may have started out the game with a shooting percentage around .900, but I finished up around .200. Not only that, but Barsczc made the comment "look at Saps...he can't even talk!" From that moment, every time I opened my mouth, I heard Barszcz laughing.

Me: Youguys don'teven....youdon't......

Barsczc: HA!

Me: Dammit!!!!!

I took a few mins to walk outside and collect myself. Once outside, away from the chaos, I had a chance to really focus on things. . . and I noticed that the time was well past midnight, and not only could you hear us yelling at each other, but the sound of coins bouncing could be heard throughout the complex. I was shocked that 1) no one had complained and 2) no one had called the cops. We were literally yelling as loud as we could, with the doors and the windows wide open! I do not think we were the condo favorites.

I walked back into the condo to the sound of roaring laughter. The game had ended, and Barsczc was no more. In his place stood an inquisitive ape eating a banana. I made yet another mistake by venturing too close in an attempt to take a picture. Never approach an animal while feeding! The ape must have felt threatened, because within a matter of seconds he charged at me. I urinated myself out of fear, and then tried to flee - but it was too late. The ape was on top of me faster than Lich on a sailor. My only thought - will I recover in time to play tomorrow....

More Shenanigans to follow - Round 1 & Night 1 next!!

~Saps

Excuses

Fact:  Myrtle ended 2 weeks ago, and there have been no updates recapping the events.

Myth:  I've been too lazy to update the blog with the recaps.

Reality:  I've been a little preoccupied:  

Events since we returned from Myrtle Sunday Night / Monday Morning along with impacts to Mental Health & Stress Levels (MH), Physical Health (PH) and Nutritional Health (NH).  Please note all of these impacts are IN ADDITION to the already dangerously high numbers from Myrtle Beach.

• Woke up at 6:30am for work on Monday Morning giving me right around 4.5 hours of sleep on the night:  -10 MF, -10 PH
  
• Tuesday & Thursday:  Late afternoon meetings with VP plus 2 Directors lasting until 8PM:  -10 MH
  
• Wednesday - Cinco De Mayo = Drinks and Chili Dogs at the Vienna Inn w/ coworkers.  -50 NH
  
• Tuesday - Thursday - constructed high priority briefing pulling data from multiple sources (primarily my a$$).  Diet consisted of Coffee and the occasional sandwich with a side order of more coffee: -10 MH, -50 NH
  
• Thursday night - I do 3 pull ups: +1 PH
  
• Friday Morning - Blew off work and drove to Baltimore to pick up Doyle from the airport on Route to Atlantic City.  Before we picked up Doyle we hit up the Blue Moon Cafe (as featured in Food Networks' Diner's Drive-Ins & Dives ).  I eat the Hobo Scramble which consists of Eggs, Hashbrowns, Cheese, Green Peppers, Onions, Chorizo Sausage and served with a buttermilk biscuit.  I eat the whole thing and wash it down with 2 cups of coffee.  -50 NH, +50 MH
  
• Pick Doyle up from the airport and then RETURN to Baltimore in order to eat at another dive featured on the Food Network.  We head to Mother's Federal Hill Grille for the "Heart attack on a plate " - 8oz burger with bacon and cheese, beer battered and then deep fried.  -200 NH, +50 MH
• As we continue north to Atlantic City, the following conversation takes place:

Doyle:  How much longer
Me:  Not too much longer, maybe an hour and a half.  We're almost out of Maryland
Doyle: Yeah, but we still have to go through Delaware
Me: Delaware is nothing, we'll be out of there in 10 mins

As we approach the toll plaza, my buddy doesn't notice the woman in front slowing down.  He slams on the breaks, but we are too close - collision is eminent.  I was in the passenger seat with my shin resting on the dash (my seat was way up as to give a little more room to the guys in the back).  At impact, my shin was slammed against the dash, leaving a huge swollen bruise which still hurts to the touch.  My sombraro, which was resting atop the dash, was pulverized to confetti as the air bags deployed.  Thankfully, these were the only significant injuries.  -100 PH, -500 MH

• Delaware State Trooper piles the 4 of us (Me, Jody, Doyle, Hollandsworth) into the back of his cruiser along with all of our luggage. He drops us off at a Howard Johnson where we call enterprise to come "Pick our a$$es up."  3 hours later, we exit Delaware.  +10 MH
• Doyle spends the rest of the weekend sarcastically saying "10 mins in Delaware, eh?":  -50 MH
• Spend the next 12 hours drinking and gambling.  Eat "dinner" around 5AM.  Walk back to the Tropicana along the boardwalk as the sun is rising.  -50 NH, -50 PH, +50 MH
• Eat "breakfast" at Hooters.  Grilled Cheese w/ Bacon and Cheese Fries.  1st beer is consumed at 11am.  -50 NH, +50 MH
• Quick Summary of Events in AC:
• Beer is used to get over our hangover:   -10 NH
• For lunch we decide to eat something healthy, so we order a daiquiri: -15 NH
• I try to eat a healthy dinner and order grilled fish. It tastes good. +10 NH
• We ask the bartender "what shot would you recommend for 5 guys who are recovering from a hangover, and just starting to feel better. She replies "Jameson." We settle for Jager-Bombs, which are actaully cups of Jager with a splash of Red Bull. -50 NH, +50 MH
• $9 40oz of Bud-Lite. I drink 3 and for the first time all day feel like I'm ready to party. -100 NH, +100 MH
• We find out the bartenders are only 18 and one is still in High School. The Adam Good Sports Bar (@ The Trop) offers $20 Body Shots. We pay $40 to see the bartenders take shots off each other. We feel dirty. +100 MH
• We hit the BYOB strip club. My buddy Brian buys a case of Bud Lite "tall boys." We ask him why he bought tall boys. He responds "why not." We drink most them, and what we don't finish, we take across the street to Baliey's Wild West Casino. -100 NH
• I spend 4 hours sleeping on the floor of the Hotel: -50 MH, -100 PH
• We checked out of the Hotel and rolled back to Delaware in order to return the rental car by 1PM. We cut it close: -50 MH
• We learn the rental car place closes at 2PM and not 1PM: -50 MH
• We spend an hour waiting for the guys at enterprise to check us in, and give us a ride to AVIS, where we will rent another car: -50 MH
• We realize we've almost spent as much time in Delaware as we did in our hotel room: -100 MH
• I get home, shower, then head straight over to my parents' for Mother's Day dinner. I am tired. -100 PH, -50 MH
• I wake up at 6:30 for work knowing I have to finish the briefing. -50 MH, -50 PH
• The so called "high priority" briefing is sent out. No one responds. I become frustrated and decide if it's no longer such a high priority, I'm going to blow off work and play in a golf tournament on Tuesday. +100 MH
• I leave work and head to the range. The sky is dark. I try to make it to the range before the rain. I pull up just as they skies open up. I utter a word I vowed never again to repeat. "Fail." -150 MH
• I fill in for my co-worker's son. He is a 4 handicap. The morning round is individual score, with a max per hole of double bogie. I shoot a net 96. I don't feel good about my chances. -10 PH, -50 MH
• I play well in the afternoon scramble. The snap hooks are all but gone (the slice showed up towards the end, but I believe that was just due to fatigue). I hit some monster drives and a few solid irons. We finish -10, not enough to win, but respectable. I feel like I want to play golf again! +500 MH
• Dinner is provided after the round. BBQ Pork and Fried Chicken. -100 NH
• I get home at 9PM, and fall asleep on my couch. I am full impact of the past 2 weeks seems to hit me all at once. -50 PH, -50 NH, -50 MH

I do all of this while STILL rocking a mustache! +1,000,000,000 EVERYTHING!!!

Excuses over - recaps to follow shortly....

Saps

Swing Thoughts by Steve Boswell

Myrtle 2009 Statistical Update

Myrtle 2009 comes to a close with Steve Boswell crowned the Champion. Below is a statistical recap of the Myrtle Beach Group.

• 5079 - Actual total score for the Myrtle Beach Group
  
• 4033 - Handicap score for the Myrtle Beach Group
• 105 - Average score for the Myrtle Beach Group
• 18 - Average Handicap for the Myrtle Beach Group
• 21 - Average Course Handicap for the Myrtle Beach Group
• 33 - Average gross score over par
  
• 12 - Average net score over par
• 1200 - Estimated beers consumed during Myrtle 2009
• 22 - Estimated beers consumed by Moden at Thistle
• 8 - Beer club's performed by Shea and Saps at Thistle
• 5 - Tall Captain and Sprites drank by Shea on the way to the RV in the morning
• 864 - Estimated times the term "Fail" was used
• 2 - Strippers hired as Caddie's
• 0 - Hot Strippers hired as Caddie's
• 4 - Sweet Mustache's
• 40 - Recorded score's of 10
• 1 - Poop in the RV
• 71 - Doug Barszcz front nine at Thistle
• 82 - Brett's total score at Thistle
• 302 - Boswell's Myrtle 2009 winning total
• 277 - PGA Tour's, Sean O'Hair's, winning score the same weekend
• 302 - PGA Tour's, Rich Beam's, last place score the same weekend
• 418 - Boswell's actual stroke (gross) total
• 332 - Myrtle 2009 low gross total (Brett Mikoy)
• 535 to 1 - Boswell's Odds to Win
• 215 - Total dollars won by the 2009 winner
• 320 - Total dollars won by the 2008 winner
• 661 - Total prize money for 2009
  
• 1 - Golfer that did not win money
• 1 - Winning Crazy Horse Team
• 1 - 2009 Champion - Steve Boswell
  

We are alive....

Though mentally and physically drained, we pulled the RV into Arlington Virginia shortly after midnight.  Thanks to some terrible weather (RV windshield wipers = Fail), a 45 min rest stop (grabbing a quick bite from Subway = Fail), an overly cautious driver (driving the night shift with bad weather through Richmond = Fail), and frantically trying to find a  place to dump the septic (www.rvdumps.com = WIN), our return trip took more than 9 hours.  I made the executive decision not to shave my mustache at 6:30 this morning, and I believe this to be the best decision I've made in a week.  Everyone is so focused on my mustache they aren't looking at my blood shot red eyes or the dark circles surrounding them.  I bet if I'd worn my hot pink outfit they'd be throwing a promotion my way.  

I will collect the various pictures and videos throughout the day, and post a more detailed account tonight.  Stay tuned for more shenanigans and hijinks.  

~Saps