Countdown to Myrtle: Meet your Golfers - Part 2

As some of you are (painfully) aware, I just got an iPad, and this has some very important ramifications. First, and foremost, I am now a hipster. Now, I've always had hipster tendencies (you may recall my crazy cool white sunglasses from last year or my love of comic books), but now I'm all in. Yup, from now on out I'm a full fledged, tight black T-shirt wearing, messenger bag toting, sipping my fair trade latte while blogging about music you've never heard of hipster. I'm also going to be mentioning my iPad at just about every chance I can.

It will probably go something like this: "nice putt Matt."
"thanks, I was trading posts with some people over in the keyhole forum on my iPad and I learned this green breaks hard to the left."

Or maybe: "Hey Saps, how did you know waffle house served all those items not found on the menu?".
"Oh, well I was checking out the Food spotting website on my iPad and learned all about the secret menu."

But more likely: "Hey buddy, why are you crying?"
"Because those assholes tossed my new iPad out the window of the RV."

Before you all start hating on my new hipster status, you should know there are some perks. Last year I brought my laptop down to Myrtle with every intention of updating the blog for all those following at home. Those of you at home will remember I did not accomplish this at all....not even close. Just a media blackout fail. But now that I'm a iPad toting hipster, I'm obligated by the hipster code to blog on a regular basis, and the updates will be flowing!

Of course, that doesn't come into play for another couple of weeks. So let's get back to the pre-LBI projections.


15. Dave Nasar

Making his 3rd trip, Dave is now an officially an LBI veteran - and after having off-season back surgery, Dave is an officially an old man. Of course, being in the old dude club means that Dave can also rock a bad ass moustache whenever he pleases. Seriously, the dude’s face is like the play dough fun factory, able to squeeze out a Freddy Mercury thick stash in a matter of minutes. Dave’s game shares the same laissez-faire approach he likes from his federal government. Yeah, he just finished his swing with a one handed follow through..what of it? You don’t have to worry about how many strokes he took and it's none of your business if his credit card is maxed. The ball is going to get into the hole eventually, Dave is going to drink some scotch....and somebody might get a free hat.

>>>VIEW PLAYER CARD>>>

Saps Says: Last year, Nasar fought through a bad back. He had surgery in the off season and is reportedly feeling better than he has in years. This should really help his game, but it should also help him enjoy LBI more - which is the important thing anyways, right? (Projected Finish - 16th)

CT Says: In the fall, Simon Cowell is starting a new show called the X Factor. Up to this point, Nasar’s biggest accomplishment in Myrtle has been to sport the best Freddy Mercury impersonation to be seen outside of SNL. Now, however, he’s had back surgery. He’s had ample time to recover, rehab and hone his game for myrtle. The X Factor is this: was his back the issue, or did his drinking cause much of the problems he faced on the course??? (It might be one year too early for me to predict a major turn around at myrtle...but rest assured i thought REAL hard about making him a dark horse. I guess I just don’t have the guts to make him the underdog of the year...(CT’s projection: 13th)


14. Pat Shea **LBI Rookie**

Not wanting to be completely one-upped by the Mikoy clan, the Shea brothers are looking to make their Myrtle presence felt. Pat's addition has a lot of the LBI crew concerned...not to mention my girlfriend, who upon learning another Shea was joining, wept for hours. After we visited a lawyer and got all my affairs in order, I visited a buddist temple and made peace with the universe. I can safely say that I am ready for whatever may come of this Maelstrom of Shea. My advice to all you is to do the same.

>>>VIEW PLAYER CARD>>>

Saps Says: Adding another Shea to the mix spells trouble for the entire field. Pat is plenty capable, but we need to see how he handles the LBI before projecting any top 10 finishes. (Projected Finish - 12th)

CT Says: There’s two theories behind ranking a Shea. One says that he’ll be a good drinker. The other says that he’ll be tall. I know at least one of those to be true. As you can see, neither of these have anything to do with golf. My one memory of Pat is at Kevin’s wedding where the bridal party entered the reception to the title track from the jock jams cd; and he was into it. Who cares how he plays, he will assuredly fit in well in myrtle. Since I must rank him... (Projected Finish - 11th)


13. Bryan Mikoy

Here comes the story of the Hurricane. We only wish the authorities had came to claim him! By day, this mild mannered family man does stuff with the kids, spends time with the wife, and works around the house. He’s Mr. Mom...the picture of suburban bliss. But when an accidental overdose of booze mixes with his unique body chemistry, a startling metamorphosis occurs.....the creature is drive by rage...and booze. Just as Thor commands the thunder with his hammer, so to does the Hurricane command sobriety with his bellow. With real power comes real responsibility, and Hurricane has been responsible for at least one DQ so far.

(This bio contains 3 references to Marvel superheros...can you guess which ones? Here’s a hint; I didn’t have sex in high school.)

>>>VIEW PLAYER CARD>>>

Saps Says: Last year we had him ranked really high, and he failed to live up to his single digit handicap. This year I think more of the same. The handicap is too low to shrug off a blow up round. (Projected Finish - 11th)

CT Says: In 2008 all we heard for six months was “i’m comin after ya. my game is really strong now”. 2008 result: FAIL. After taking a hiatus in 2009, he came into Myrtle with the lowest handicap of the group and immensely high hopes. While it wasn’t a complete fail, he was bested by his brother on all fronts. In 2011’s LBI he’ll have 3 years of solid play and a close friend who is a ringer to help balance him. It could be his year...That is, unless the pressure gets to him again. His game may be the most improved of anyone in myrtle to date. I’d love to see him prove me wrong, but that handicap is just too low. (Projected Finish - 15th)


12. Rufus Knight

Here are 3 facts about Rufus; He's a proud father, he gets really excited for good food, and he wears long pants on the golf course. Here's one fact about me; I may have a bit of a man crush (It's just so hard to find some who matches my enthusiasm for sandwiches). His game has flashes of goodness intermixed with random badness...and I really do mean random. Over the course of 18 holes, 7 tee shots will employ a strong right to left draw and land perfectly in the fairway, 4 might drift off to the right and land out of bounds, 5 will snap too far to the left and land in the woods, and 2 will fly perfectly straight. Despite being a random shot generator off the tee, Rufus is strong with the short game and may have some of the softest hands of the group. If I play my cards right, maybe he'll even let me hold one. Crap...did I just type that? Great, now I'm gonna blush when I see him next.

>>>VIEW PLAYER CARD>>>

Saps Says: One day, Rufus will learn to hit a consistent ball off the tee, and when that happens he'll be very good. Still, he's got the short game to help make up for the tee box wildness, and should finish in the top 10. (Projected Finish - 9th)

CT Says: I’m still waiting for Rufus to really find his Myrtle identity. He always has a great time. He’s a great man to hang with and is always ready to go out. He might end up getting you excited about drinking but all the time he’s throwing shots over his shoulder. But my question still remains about whether he can find the consistency to put him in the top 5. (Projected Finish - 13th)


11. Doug Barszcz

As famed naturalist Dian Fossey once remarked "By far, the Doug Barszcz is the most playful of the mountain gorillas...his mirthful exuberance and inquisitive nature displays an eerie similarity to humans...truly we are more alike than not." Barz's siren-like abilities will leave golfers scratching their heads and wondering "how the hell did I get so drunk out there...I don't remember ordering that many beers..." Much like the Spanish Inquisition, few see the Barz effect coming - one minute you're casually drinking a beer, and the next you're laying face down naked in the parking lot.

>>>VIEW PLAYER CARD>>>

Saps Says: And so begins the race for last! Barz has the early edge to finish best among the final 5, but anything is possible.. (Projected Finish - 15th)

CT Says: Barz is almost 6 foot tall. Barz weighs north of 200lbs. He’s the kind of guy, who if he was messing with you in a bar, you would think twice about steppin’ to. All that said, Barz’ swing is cute. It’s just so soft and cuddly. I’ve been asking myself (and him) for years now “where is the power?”. Is he the gentle giant? Does he want to ensure he doesn’t re-activate the hernia? is it the gout? No one knows, but through it all, he’s found a way to get those 120/130 scores down to the low 100s. If he can make that happen over 2-3 rounds, he’ll be up there. I, for one, think this will be his year. Oh, and his chin looks like a balls. (Projected Finish - 3rd)


10 down and 10 top go! Tune in next time to learn 10 through 5.....same LBI time, same LBI channel.

See what i did there with the reference to the 1960s Batman? Val Kilmer's Batman is so mainstream....Adam West is cool

~Saps
Posted from my iPad

Countdown to Myrtle: Meet Your Golfers - Part 1

Can you believe LBI 2011 is less than a month away?? In fact, by the time you read this, it will probably be even closer! Holy crap! I just don't know how to contain all this excitement!

Well, you know what, I don't have to contain nothing. Nope, I'm just letting it fly loose and free. Running up and up and down the halls yelling "MyrtleMyrtleMyrtleMyrtleMyrtle" over and over again. I even have my own little "Myrtle Dance". Yup, by the time May 17th gets here (provided I still have a job), my office will probably offer to pay my way down to Myrtle, just to get me the hell out of here.

Still, I suppose I could focus some of this energy constructively. To that end, I'll be updating the blog regularly between now and RV departure - beginning with this installment of "Meet your golfers." Last month, a panel of experts performed a highly scientific statistical analysis of each golfer, and then fed this data into a computer. After surfing porn for a couple of hours and playing Angry Birds, the research team went back to the data, analyzed the information, and projected each golfer's LBI 2011 finish. This stuff is strong with the science!

So without further adieu, I present the bottom 5 projected finishes...and Boswell. Remember, you can view the full bio's and look at a ton of statistics, summaries, and even swing videos for each golfer at the LBI website.

N/A Steve Boswell

Is the pope a catholic? Does a Bos $#&@ in the woods? As the elder statesman of the group, Jesus Boswellio carries a regal nobility which compliments his mature demeanor. That is unless he’s running around the golf course with his testicles hanging out of his pants. A lover of beers both Belgian and hopped, Sir Boswellicus the Inebriated can often be found swilling beverages at the Bottom Line with his current life partner Shea (rumor is they got married during a recent trip out to Las Vegas). Bos’s golf game took turn a big time turn in 2009 as he fought through a wrist injury and multitudes of mental demons to win the LBI Cup. Unfortunately, the injury bug has reared it’s ugly head, and Bos won’t be participating in the 2011 LBI Championship. Shoulder surgery may keep him off the greens, but it won’t keep him away from Myrtle. Happily, Bos will still be making the trek this year - you’ll find him drinking beers and chilling in the golf cart with Shea’s “caddies.”

>>>View Player Card>>>

20 Jimmy Flynn **LBI Rookie**

Jimmy is big. Everything about Jimmy is big. Big boy, big laugh, big personality....and his big fist will leave a big bruise on your arm (just ask Bos). Jimmy is also loud. Oh lordy, he’s loud. For Myrtle, we’re not only projecting some big scores but we’re also expecting you to know about them even if you’re three groups back. Jimmy is rolling down to Myrtle as a rookie, and whether or not he is able to knock the rust off his game in the next month, he will more than likely succumb to more than a couple big, loud nights. There’s no doubt the big boy will have fun, the question is just how much will that fun interfere with the golf game. The answer is probably “a lot.” Heaven help us all if Bubba and Hurricane decide to have a ‘big’ night at the same time. I don’t know if any of us can withstand that kind of punishment.

>>>View Player Card>>>

Saps Says: The question is not whether or not Jimmy will place last, it's whether or not he'll finish. Bet hard for the DNF!!! (Saps's Projection - 19th)

CT Says: Speaking anecdotally, it took Jimmy a solid two to three seasons before his true bowling skills were exhibited to their fullest potential. Even today, carrying the first or second highest average on the team, he still cowers from the clean up position. He’s just not yet a closer. But he’s young and even Mariano Rivera started out as a set up man.

Jimmy’s golf game doesn’t appear to be in the same class as his bowling game. So, don’t bet too much money on him bringing home a trophy this year. But also, don’t bet on anyone he’s paired up with, either... (CT's projection - 18th)

19 Mike Hollandsworth

Along with Lich, Brett, & Hurricane Mikoy, Mike is among the only member of the LBI crew to post a score of 72. Unfortunately, it was on the back 9 at Old Hickory. As a rookie in 2010, Mike was the only golfer not to finish a round. While his last place finish was primarily due to the effects of Hurricane Mikoy, Hollywood (admit it, you loved that movie) struggled over the course of the week and Bryan’s alcoholic assault could very well be considered a Kevorkian like mercy killing. Still, there is optimism for 2011 - Mike may be rolling to Myrtle with a couple lessons under his belt and his actual handicap is getting closer and closer to the max allowed by law (39.1 vs. 36.4). Plus, we’ll have couple of new faces this year which should give Mike an edge, albeit ever so slight.

>>>View Player Card>>>

Saps Says: It'll be another battle for last place, but Hollandsworth is working hard to get his average in line with his handicap. He's got a long way to go, and unfortunately he could be the most improved player coming into Myrlte and still not show any change in handicap or rankings. (Saps's Projection - 18th)

CT Says: With that high handicap, it’s so tempting to put him up as a contender. Add to that a recent lesson that changed his grip has enabled him to post a couple rounds south of 120 and this kid is just begging the risk takers to throw some money on him. But I’ve got a kid and a wife and am just not in a position to take such a risk. I believe as early as next year he could be a strong contender. But this year, there’s still too many questions to be answered with his game... (CT's projection - 19th)

18 Troy Welck

Trouble T-Roy. He’s Mayhem from the television commercials; “I’m the quiet guy riding next to you in the golf cart. While you’re growing more and more frustrated with your game, I’m ordering another 12-pack from the beverage cart. While you’re adding up your scorecard, I’ve already ordered up a second round of shots. You blink, and all it’s 7am and you’re in a strip club parking lot.” As best I can tell, Troy hasn’t picked up a club since he left Myrtle a year ago, but then again practice was never all that high of a priority. From the wake up, grip it and rip it school, Troy’s game is all about quiet sneakiness. Pay attention!

>>>View Player Card>>>

Saps Says: Trouble T-Roy...the name says it all. (Saps's Projection - 17th)

CT Says: Troy is here to get his fix of golf and spend some quality drunken time with the boys. If you’re betting on Troy, I recommend sticking with whether or not he leaves Myrtle Beach with a cell phone. Historically, that’s a 50/50 bet. (CT's projection - 17th)

17* Rob Weining **LBI Rookie**

*potentially injured

In a word, eclectic (here you go Jimmy). Sure, he may look like a dirty hippie, and yes he plays plays guitar, mandolin, sings, acts and has long hair. But he also plays flag football for the CAN league, baseball with the Newshounds and now golf with LBI. Oh wait, he grills a mean burger, and infuses his own booze (although, drinking one of his mysterious concoctions may cause you to vomit off the back of a deck). So just how will this jack of all trades fare down in Myrtle with the jacks of all asses? Can Rob add surviving Myrtle to his list of accomplishments, or will he hit that rookie wall? Only time will tell. Actually, that’s a completely ridiculous question. He’s gonna hit the wall.

Saps Says: Looking at it from only a golf perspective, Rob has an excellent chance of posting solid scores. His game is steady, and while he’s not the biggest hitter, he generally stays out of trouble. Of course, we all know Myrtle isn’t just about the golf and there is a good chance he’ll hit that rookie wall. Still, I think Rob will make a strong showing in his rookie trip and finish inside the top 15. (Saps's Projection - 13th)

CT Says: Even before he’s been on a single LBI trip, Rob is already being considered for a yearly memorial award. He recently suffered a broken face after being sucker-punched trying to break up a fight at a Caps game. It’s clear he cares about his fellow man and there’s nothin’ but good karma coming his way for a long while. On top of all this, his diet leading up to LBI ‘11 will be very similar to what he’ll be getting in Myrtle; LIQUID! While I must admit I made this prediction prior to (i) knowing Rob at all and (ii) him suffering this setback, I wish I could now make him finish stronger. Just being able to make it and play will be a win this year. (CT's projection - 14th)

>>>View Player Card>>>

16 Chris Stevens

The legend of White Lightning started way back in the fall of 1987. George Michael’s “Faith” was sitting atop the charts and a fresh-faced Charlie Sheen was learning all the wrong lessons from mentor Gordon Gekko. The weather was unseasonably warm for Topeka and Chris Stevens was curled up with high school sweet-heart Sandy Peppersmith in the cool shade of her father’s willow tree. Locals say the storm approached from nowhere, and when the hail fell, the two love birds were miles away from any shelter. They say never to stand under a tree when lightning is present, but with no where to run, the lovers huddled beneath the mighty tree, hoping for it’s protection. The last thing Chris saw was an explosion of light, and then...darkness. When he awoke, both he and Sandy were safely inside the school gym, taking refuse with the rest of the community as an F-5 tornado ripped through the town. But what happened to them, and how did they get there? Dozens of eye witnesses shared a similar, though confusing sight. They saw a white blur, that could best be described as a man carrying a woman away from the deadly funnel. Those in the gym don’t even recall seeing Chris and Sandy enter they gym...they just appeared...Chris dazed and out of breath. To this day, Chris doesn’t know how they arrived safely, or why his pubic hair is white.

>>>View Player Card>>>

Saps Says: If he goes on a run here and there, Stevens could edge a little higher in the standings. I'm confident he'll round out the top 15. (Saps's Projection - 15)

CT Says: Stevens has been nowhere to be seen on the courses since last year’s Myrtle. However, it’s been 7 years since I’ve lived back in DC and I still have no clue if he even has a job. So, could he have been playing under the radar and practicing like a madman? Sure, it’s possible; but unlikely. He’ll come. He’ll bring a great attitude. He’ll drink his fair share of beers and beyond. But contend? Not this year. (CT's projection - 16th)

So there you have the projected bottom 5. Coming soon, #s 15 - 11. Who is the projected #1? Stay tuned to find out - and as always you can head over to the LBI Facebook group to discuss / argue / lay down bets! Now, if you will excuse me, I have a Myrtle jig to perform in my office.

MyrtleMyrtleMyrtleMyrtleMyrtle

~Saps