Well, you know what, I don't have to contain nothing. Nope, I'm just letting it fly loose and free. Running up and up and down the halls yelling "MyrtleMyrtleMyrtleMyrtleMyrtle" over and over again. I even have my own little "Myrtle Dance". Yup, by the time May 17th gets here (provided I still have a job), my office will probably offer to pay my way down to Myrtle, just to get me the hell out of here.
Still, I suppose I could focus some of this energy constructively. To that end, I'll be updating the blog regularly between now and RV departure - beginning with this installment of "Meet your golfers." Last month, a panel of experts performed a highly scientific statistical analysis of each golfer, and then fed this data into a computer. After surfing porn for a couple of hours and playing Angry Birds, the research team went back to the data, analyzed the information, and projected each golfer's LBI 2011 finish. This stuff is strong with the science!
So without further adieu, I present the bottom 5 projected finishes...and Boswell. Remember, you can view the full bio's and look at a ton of statistics, summaries, and even swing videos for each golfer at the LBI website.
Is the pope a catholic? Does a Bos $#&@ in the woods? As the elder statesman of the group, Jesus Boswellio carries a regal nobility which compliments his mature demeanor. That is unless he’s running around the golf course with his testicles hanging out of his pants. A lover of beers both Belgian and hopped, Sir Boswellicus the Inebriated can often be found swilling beverages at the Bottom Line with his current life partner Shea (rumor is they got married during a recent trip out to Las Vegas). Bos’s golf game took turn a big time turn in 2009 as he fought through a wrist injury and multitudes of mental demons to win the LBI Cup. Unfortunately, the injury bug has reared it’s ugly head, and Bos won’t be participating in the 2011 LBI Championship. Shoulder surgery may keep him off the greens, but it won’t keep him away from Myrtle. Happily, Bos will still be making the trek this year - you’ll find him drinking beers and chilling in the golf cart with Shea’s “caddies.”
Jimmy is big. Everything about Jimmy is big. Big boy, big laugh, big personality....and his big fist will leave a big bruise on your arm (just ask Bos). Jimmy is also loud. Oh lordy, he’s loud. For Myrtle, we’re not only projecting some big scores but we’re also expecting you to know about them even if you’re three groups back. Jimmy is rolling down to Myrtle as a rookie, and whether or not he is able to knock the rust off his game in the next month, he will more than likely succumb to more than a couple big, loud nights. There’s no doubt the big boy will have fun, the question is just how much will that fun interfere with the golf game. The answer is probably “a lot.” Heaven help us all if Bubba and Hurricane decide to have a ‘big’ night at the same time. I don’t know if any of us can withstand that kind of punishment.
Saps Says: The question is not whether or not Jimmy will place last, it's whether or not he'll finish. Bet hard for the DNF!!! (Saps's Projection - 19th)
CT Says: Speaking anecdotally, it took Jimmy a solid two to three seasons before his true bowling skills were exhibited to their fullest potential. Even today, carrying the first or second highest average on the team, he still cowers from the clean up position. He’s just not yet a closer. But he’s young and even Mariano Rivera started out as a set up man.
Jimmy’s golf game doesn’t appear to be in the same class as his bowling game. So, don’t bet too much money on him bringing home a trophy this year. But also, don’t bet on anyone he’s paired up with, either... (CT's projection - 18th)
19 Mike Hollandsworth
Along with Lich, Brett, & Hurricane Mikoy, Mike is among the only member of the LBI crew to post a score of 72. Unfortunately, it was on the back 9 at Old Hickory. As a rookie in 2010, Mike was the only golfer not to finish a round. While his last place finish was primarily due to the effects of Hurricane Mikoy, Hollywood (admit it, you loved that movie) struggled over the course of the week and Bryan’s alcoholic assault could very well be considered a Kevorkian like mercy killing. Still, there is optimism for 2011 - Mike may be rolling to Myrtle with a couple lessons under his belt and his actual handicap is getting closer and closer to the max allowed by law (39.1 vs. 36.4). Plus, we’ll have couple of new faces this year which should give Mike an edge, albeit ever so slight.
Saps Says: It'll be another battle for last place, but Hollandsworth is working hard to get his average in line with his handicap. He's got a long way to go, and unfortunately he could be the most improved player coming into Myrlte and still not show any change in handicap or rankings. (Saps's Projection - 18th)
CT Says: With that high handicap, it’s so tempting to put him up as a contender. Add to that a recent lesson that changed his grip has enabled him to post a couple rounds south of 120 and this kid is just begging the risk takers to throw some money on him. But I’ve got a kid and a wife and am just not in a position to take such a risk. I believe as early as next year he could be a strong contender. But this year, there’s still too many questions to be answered with his game... (CT's projection - 19th)
18 Troy Welck
Trouble T-Roy. He’s Mayhem from the television commercials; “I’m the quiet guy riding next to you in the golf cart. While you’re growing more and more frustrated with your game, I’m ordering another 12-pack from the beverage cart. While you’re adding up your scorecard, I’ve already ordered up a second round of shots. You blink, and all it’s 7am and you’re in a strip club parking lot.” As best I can tell, Troy hasn’t picked up a club since he left Myrtle a year ago, but then again practice was never all that high of a priority. From the wake up, grip it and rip it school, Troy’s game is all about quiet sneakiness. Pay attention!
Saps Says: Trouble T-Roy...the name says it all. (Saps's Projection - 17th)
CT Says: Troy is here to get his fix of golf and spend some quality drunken time with the boys. If you’re betting on Troy, I recommend sticking with whether or not he leaves Myrtle Beach with a cell phone. Historically, that’s a 50/50 bet. (CT's projection - 17th)
17* Rob Weining **LBI Rookie**
*potentially injured
In a word, eclectic (here you go Jimmy). Sure, he may look like a dirty hippie, and yes he plays plays guitar, mandolin, sings, acts and has long hair. But he also plays flag football for the CAN league, baseball with the Newshounds and now golf with LBI. Oh wait, he grills a mean burger, and infuses his own booze (although, drinking one of his mysterious concoctions may cause you to vomit off the back of a deck). So just how will this jack of all trades fare down in Myrtle with the jacks of all asses? Can Rob add surviving Myrtle to his list of accomplishments, or will he hit that rookie wall? Only time will tell. Actually, that’s a completely ridiculous question. He’s gonna hit the wall.
Saps Says: Looking at it from only a golf perspective, Rob has an excellent chance of posting solid scores. His game is steady, and while he’s not the biggest hitter, he generally stays out of trouble. Of course, we all know Myrtle isn’t just about the golf and there is a good chance he’ll hit that rookie wall. Still, I think Rob will make a strong showing in his rookie trip and finish inside the top 15. (Saps's Projection - 13th)
CT Says: Even before he’s been on a single LBI trip, Rob is already being considered for a yearly memorial award. He recently suffered a broken face after being sucker-punched trying to break up a fight at a Caps game. It’s clear he cares about his fellow man and there’s nothin’ but good karma coming his way for a long while. On top of all this, his diet leading up to LBI ‘11 will be very similar to what he’ll be getting in Myrtle; LIQUID! While I must admit I made this prediction prior to (i) knowing Rob at all and (ii) him suffering this setback, I wish I could now make him finish stronger. Just being able to make it and play will be a win this year. (CT's projection - 14th)
16 Chris Stevens
The legend of White Lightning started way back in the fall of 1987. George Michael’s “Faith” was sitting atop the charts and a fresh-faced Charlie Sheen was learning all the wrong lessons from mentor Gordon Gekko. The weather was unseasonably warm for Topeka and Chris Stevens was curled up with high school sweet-heart Sandy Peppersmith in the cool shade of her father’s willow tree. Locals say the storm approached from nowhere, and when the hail fell, the two love birds were miles away from any shelter. They say never to stand under a tree when lightning is present, but with no where to run, the lovers huddled beneath the mighty tree, hoping for it’s protection. The last thing Chris saw was an explosion of light, and then...darkness. When he awoke, both he and Sandy were safely inside the school gym, taking refuse with the rest of the community as an F-5 tornado ripped through the town. But what happened to them, and how did they get there? Dozens of eye witnesses shared a similar, though confusing sight. They saw a white blur, that could best be described as a man carrying a woman away from the deadly funnel. Those in the gym don’t even recall seeing Chris and Sandy enter they gym...they just appeared...Chris dazed and out of breath. To this day, Chris doesn’t know how they arrived safely, or why his pubic hair is white.
Saps Says: If he goes on a run here and there, Stevens could edge a little higher in the standings. I'm confident he'll round out the top 15. (Saps's Projection - 15)
CT Says: Stevens has been nowhere to be seen on the courses since last year’s Myrtle. However, it’s been 7 years since I’ve lived back in DC and I still have no clue if he even has a job. So, could he have been playing under the radar and practicing like a madman? Sure, it’s possible; but unlikely. He’ll come. He’ll bring a great attitude. He’ll drink his fair share of beers and beyond. But contend? Not this year. (CT's projection - 16th)
So there you have the projected bottom 5. Coming soon, #s 15 - 11. Who is the projected #1? Stay tuned to find out - and as always you can head over to the LBI Facebook group to discuss / argue / lay down bets! Now, if you will excuse me, I have a Myrtle jig to perform in my office.
MyrtleMyrtleMyrtleMyrtleMyrtle
~Saps
Note that Mr. Ciarlo still has me by a year or two on the elder statesman status. Also note that we have more hair than 60% of the LBI attendees who are younger.
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