Countdown to Myrtle: Meet your Golfers - Part 8

1. Chris Mikoy

The ladies...love him. The men...envy him. The horses....fear him. Why? Well, no one knows, but some things in life are better left unquestioned (especially that horse thing). At the end of the day, he's one of two member’s of the LBI crew who has managed to post a sub-80 round in competition, so he’s got that going for him, which is nice. He’s also got one of the most mechanically sound swings of anyone in the group. This fact is critical - it’s nice to rely on muscle memory after the 4th or 5th shotgun. CT has 4 passions, his wife, his son, his membership in the International Association of Loofah Enthusiasts and golfing with the fellas. Now that it is his sole man-trip every year, watch out; it got that much more important...watch out.

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Saps Says: More head to head action between Chris and Brett should be fun for all, both on and off the course. It will be close, but CT takes the crown at the end. (Projected Finish - 1st)

CT Says: I consulted my magic 8 ball and it told me two things. First, it’s a fact that Ninjas are mammals. Second, it told me that I would be the victor at Myrtle this year. It should be noted, however, that the magic 8 ball could have misheard me, thinking I asked if i would be the “vicar” this year.

Countdown to Myrtle: Meet Your Golfers - Part 7

Taking a break from living the dream to drop the next golfer in our player projections. Forgive me if I don't write anything more witty, but mojitos be calling my name!


2. Jason Lich

3 Facts. 1) The beast known as “El Chupacabra” is real, and has been terrorizing farmers in Texas and Mexico for centuries. 2) There has never been a sighting north of Reno, NV 3) Jason Lich currently lives in Seattle, Washington.

No one knows exactly how many of these beasts Lich has killed in his valiant protection of the Pacific Northwest, but we can safely assume the numbers are in the tens of thousands. Rattled when tossed from a cart, or chased by the paparazzi, Lich has the mental game of Tiger but overcomes the rage with a solid if unconventional game. Don’t worry about where he’s aiming - 45 degrees to the right will still get piped low and straight down the fairway....245 yards to glory. He's the only member at Myrtle with a hole in own, and one of three with an even par round. It doesn't matter that his swing is that of bizarro-Furyk, if you're matched against him you better bring a bottle of Woodford and your "A" game.

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Saps Says: No Ladd means more focus for Lich. He's not been playing well, but his game is always solid. Should be yet another top 5 finish for El Chupacabra. (Projected Finish - 5th)

CT Says: Lich lethargically leaps over “lasers” while he laments that his limp left hand largely causes his driver to levitate above the lawn on the links. It’s true. Watch him. As for his results, I wonder if his move to Seattle has made him become so engrossed in the whereabouts of mythical creatures that he has lost the ability to maintain his focus on golf. However, there’s a lot of room in that giant shrek-dome and he’s capable of overcoming that nonsense to make a STRONG run this year...

Countdown to Myrtle - Meet Your Golfers - Part 6

LBI is everywhere. It is all around us. Even now, in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes. It is the world that drives our wives, girlfriends, or significant others (Mike loves the c*ck) mad. No one can be told what LBI is, you have to see it for yourself.

You sip your beer, the story ends. You wake up on Monday, your head is fine, and you continue your dull, boring life. You take a shotgun, you stay in wonderland. And, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Introducing your projected number 3...

3) Damon Mikoy

• It is said that the more you know him, the more you get what you don’t expect.
• When a bottle of scotch runs dry in the middle of a party, it sends shivers down his spine.
• Seeing him wear a pair of biking shorts makes you run out to buy a pair only to find out you look silly in them.
• A style of cigar is named after him.
• If he went blind, instead of black he’d see a room full of mahogany and fine leather books.
  

He can play the minute waltz in just over 30 seconds. Yeah, that’s right, he plays the piano.
Oh, and he’ll also drink all night, then go jump into the pacific for a little navy seal training.

If I had to use one word to describe Damon: passion. At the end of the day, Damon approaches nothing with disdain. If he’s doing something, you bet your ass he’s going after it...hard. And remember, a close friend of passion is rage...We will close with a quote from Damon that sums him up nicely: “Golf is a game of etiquette and integrity...asshole!”

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Saps Says:
Last time in the LBI, Damon racked up a DNF due to a sunday flight- but before that he was shooting well. After a few years off, I think he comes back strong and nabs a last top 5 spot. (Projected Finish - 3rd)

CT Says:
Four rounds will be tough, but there’s not a lot of problems with his game. Just those pesky 3 foot putts! Damon rarely has problems off the tee or with his irons. It really will come down to his play around the greens. Could a couple 3 putts engage the rage motor or will we see a cool calm and collected D take home the trophy??? It will be too close to call.

Countdown to Myrtle: Meet Your Golfers - Part 5

Oh Lordy, we're getting down to the wire! Only 9 more days until the first tee shot. 9 more days until shirtless shotguns, hooters hula hoops, and general jackassery. As this is the last full week before we depart, we'll be releasing a player bio per day! Ambitious, sure, but were dedicated to bringing you the best ways to waste company time with out sending out delicious pornography. Oh, and to make things even better by this time tomorrow I'll in Vegas. A week in Vegas, followed right up by a week at Myrtle? Sweet Jesus...start the prop bets on whether on not I finish the 1st round!

4. Kevin Shea

Folks round this way claim Kevin Shea is not so much a man as he is a part of nature. They say his mamma was the wind, and his pappa the forest. They say tornadoes spawn from his sneezes and hurricanes from his farts. He's nine feet tall if he's a foot, and his arms can stretch from the Kansas clear to Arkansas. Yes sir, Kevin Shea once drank a bar clean out of Capitan Morgan and when the bartender told him there was nothing left, Sheabone replied "that's OK partner, I felt like switching to Vodka anyways." Tall tales maybe, but spend enough time around this lanky character and you may find yourself telling a Sheabone story of your own.

Also, he’s a robot.

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Saps Says: Saps's Sleeper Special(tm). Shea will constantly be in pound town, and rarely wear a shirt - but along the way he'll play some golf. Handicap is high, but scoring average is coming down. This could be the year Shea cracks Top 5 (Projected Finish - 4th)

CT Says: The quality of Kevin’s play is inversely related to the probability of two, maybe three, factors. (i) the pending probability of a supervolcanic explosion and subsequent mad max-like post-apocalyptic society based on a system of bartering; (ii) the probability of a zombie event - one in which is induced by humans or through the natural course of human events. (iii) a robot infiltrate of humans whereby they become our overlords. Now, overlay this with the direct relationship of his golf play and his volume of shirtless shotguns on any given round AND the fact that the probability of the events noted above increase in his mind while drinking and it’s really anyone’s guess how Sheabone will play.

4 more to go!

~Saps

Countdown to Myrtle: Meet your Golfers - Part 4

Before we bring you number 5, let's recap how we got here.

#20 - Jimmy Flynn: The question is not whether or not Jimmy will place last, it's whether or not he'll finish. Bet hard for the DNF!!!

#19 - Mike Hollandsworth: It'll be another battle for last place, but Hollywood is working hard to get his average in line with his handicap. He's got a long way to go, and unfortunately he could be the most improved player coming into Myrlte and still not show any change in handicap or rankings.

#18 - Troy Welck: Trouble T-Roy...the name says it all.

#17 - Rob Weinig: Even before he’s been on a single LBI trip, Rob is already being considered for a yearly memorial award. He recently suffered a broken face after being sucker-punched trying to break up a fight at a Caps game. It’s clear he cares about his fellow man and there’s nothin’ but good karma coming his way for a long while.

#16 - Chris Stevens: Stevens has been nowhere to be seen on the courses since last year’s Myrtle. However, it’s been 7 years since I’ve lived back in DC and I still have no clue if he even has a job.

#15 - Dave Nasar: In the fall, Simon Cowell is starting a new show called the X Factor. Up to this point, Nasar’s biggest accomplishment in Myrtle has been to sport the best Freddy Mercury impersonation to be seen outside of SNL.

#14 - Pat Shea: There’s two theories behind ranking a Shea. One says that he’ll be a good drinker. The other says that he’ll be tall. I know at least one of those to be true.

#13 - Bryan Mikoy: Just as Thor commands the thunder with his hammer, so to does the Hurricane command sobriety with his bellow. With real power comes real responsibility, and Hurricane has been responsible for at least one DQ so far.

#12 - Rufus Knight: He always has a great time. He’s a great man to hang with and is always ready to go out. He might end up getting you excited about drinking but all the time he’s throwing shots over his shoulder.

#11 - Doug Barszcz: Barz is almost 6 foot tall. Barz weighs north of 200lbs. He’s the kind of guy, who if he was messing with you in a bar, you would think twice about steppin’ to. All that said, Barz’ swing is cute. It’s just so soft and cuddly.

#10 - Matt Sapsford: An anenome? My enemy? No no no, an anomoly! Wait, maybe that is an enigma. What will you get today? That’s the question you ask when playing with Saps these days.

#9 - Brian Ciarlo: Swedish Chef says ... Herpty hur de durp de dur Ciarlo do derp de derpty Myrtle. Der derpty der de Hole in One der derpty derpty hur! Der, Herpty hur de hur derpty derp.

#8 - Matt Moden: As you are reading these words, Moden is banging your momz...

#7 - Gabe Castro: GaYb

#6 - Tim Slough: This will be an interesting experiment; can a near scratch golfer compete in the LBI amongst the debauchery and bafoonnary? Amongst the mayhem and hijinks? Conventional wisdom says maybe, but I personally believe the answer is "perhaps."

and your projected number 5 for 2011.........

#5 Brett Mikoy: Monsieur Brett est l'un des golfeurs les plus constants dans le groupe LBI. Il joue sans erreur, mais non sans charme: Plusieurs jeux ont été sauvés par le coup de miricles. Bien sûr, Monsieur Brett ne se contente pas voir jusqu'à balancer le bâton. Il sera l'alcool, il y aura français .... et peut-être même parler de robots. Aller en tête à tête avec monsieur Brett exige une grande concentration, et un dictionnaire anglais vers le français. Il est partie dans sa culotte, et tout le monde est invité.

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Saps Says: It was a tough call between CT and Brett. While CT holds the edge in head to head match play, Brett is better suited for Myrtle Golf. In the end, I think the 8 strokes "penalty" will be the difference between 1st and 2nd...despite the fact Brett won last year by exactly 8 strokes. (Projected Finish - 2nd)

CT Says: If there's anything Brett knows it's duh, Winning! He'll be the first to tell you abut his numerous CAN Championships, his perfect game bowling or his even par (liberty free) round of golf. Unfortunately, most of us don't have those on our resume, so in the famous words of Gerg (He who fills the meatpipe), "How can you compete?". That's always the queston when playing against Brett. He doesn't always bring his A game. But he almost always finds a way to get the most out of the game he brings. If he happens to bring the A game to myrtle again this year, those 8 strokes he loses being the defending champ may not matter. (CT's projectoion: 3rd)

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Countdown to Myrtle: Meet your Golfers - Part 3

It's Friday, and you know what that mean, don't you? Well, yes there is that, but Friday also means another release of the projected player rankings!


10. Matt Sapsford

What will you get today? Perhaps the most manic of the LBI golfers, Saps swings back and forth from goodness to badness - with the equal ability to post a sub-90 round as a 110. Potential for greatness matched with potential for fail. Oh, and there’s always the potential for rage. Still, the positives are starting to outweigh the negatives. With a few dozen cans of liquid confidence he could finally start to cash in on some of that potential....or he could kick out the windshield of the golf cart.

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Saps Says: 2010 was the first time cracking the top 5. Game has improved since last year, but so has the field. Still, I should be able to hold on for a top 10 finish. (Projected Finish - 8th)

CT Says: An anenome? My enemy? No no no, an anomoly! Wait, maybe that is an enigma. What will you get today? That’s the question you ask when playing with Saps these days. Now, you might consider that an insult, but I consider it a sign of change and that, for the good. First, let’s talk rage. The rage is nearly all but gone. Though if I can offer a side note, we played in mid-April and some rage-of-old reappeared. I write that off, though, to the fact it was raining and 42 degrees. I took him #1 last year and he didn’t disappoint, posting a top 3. And I submit to you had he understood the nature of 36 holes (and maybe kept his shirt on in round 2) he could have made it a bit closer. This year though, he’s cost me too much and I think we might have a temporary regression. But don’t be surprised if he sneaks away with it. (CT’s projection: 12th)


9. Brian Ciarlo

Of all the golfers on the LBI tour, Ciarlo is easily the biggest bastard. He's not must mean, he's dastardly in the true classical sense. He's tie a damsel to the train tracks cruel. Doubt me? Just try to cross him! Last year I made the mistake of teeing off before him while he had honors...well he was so angry he kicked a turtle. That's right a cute little turtle was sunning himself by the water and Ciarlo kicked the poor guy. Then he punched me in spine. Nope this cat is a bastard through and through.

Also, he's a Braves fan.

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Saps Says: You know Ciarlo will shoot right on his average, or slightly better, but he'll need someone to fall off if he's to finish in the top 5. (Projected Finish - 7th)

Swedish Chef Says: Herpty hur de durp de dur Ciarlo do derp de derpty Myrtle. Der derpty der de Hole in One der derpty derpty hur! Der, Herpty hur de hur derpty derp. (Projected Finish - Derp)


8. Matt Moden

As you are reading these words, Moden is banging your momz...

...and he's doing it a graphic, immoral, and most likely illegal fashion. As the only 2 time champ, it may sound like this skinny jean wearing mo/fo has game. Well, he does but it’s not always found on the golf course. The true prizes are awarded in the wee hours of the morning, when Moden can be found on the dance floor with limbs flailing about like a deranged Michael Flatley.

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Saps Says: Moden's past finishes: 1st, 1st, 9th, 2nd. How the hell can I justify him falling to 10? For me, this is a gut call. Looking at all of the talent in the top 10, I just think Moden gets squeezed out. (Projected Finish - 10th)

CT Says: Moden is now like the Green Bay Packers of the 80s and 90s. Sure, he won the first two LBI Cups, but was it really a tournament then? I mean, I think in 2008, Ron Dawg used a persimmon driver. And I didn’t catch his first name, but I’m 90% sure Bilbrey’s putter last name was Baroo. Here’s the thing though, no one is a two-time champ. And the more important thing is...remember that ad about 5 years ago from Ford called “What will Phil do?” (if you’re a golfer you will)...Well, the best thing about Moden is waiting to see what he’ll do this year...


7. Gabe Castro

What can i say about Gayb? As a brother-in-law, he's a role model. As a father, he's a mentor. as a professional, he's achieved levels of greatness at age 38 that i may never attain in my career. Ok, Gayb, you know what? I tried using this bio that you submitted to me but i just cant do it with a straight face. So, here's the real one...

In his last trip to myrtle , Gayb did to sleep what what shea, lich and troy did to 7am...we can only hope that performance was due to the trip being his first since becoming a daddy. As far as establishing his drinking prowess, there only one direction he can go. Gayb used to make 3 trips to Vegas per year that involved heaters only seen in the hangover. These days, however, his Vegas trips are bi-annual and when the cute waitress at the Hard Rock comes over to ask what he wants to drink, a 4-Letter Word comes out of his mouth...R-O-S-E.

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Saps Says: Barely missing the top 5 due to the strength of the field and Myrtle rust. Gabe should fall just outside top 5, but easily in the top 10 (Projected Finish - 6th)

CT Says: Gayb has as good of a home grown, natural swing as you will see. Having (proudly) never taken a lesson, he lets is natural ability guide him through his rounds. I’ve played with him for years and never seen it fall apart. The question i have is that he’s played maybe 10 rounds in two years and 3 have been at the Valero Open/Byron pro-ams. He’ll find a way to shoot some solid scores and might squeak into the top 3 but there will be a quad or two that takes him from overall contention...


6. Tim Slough

Tim’s life is just short of perfect. He spent 10 years (allegedly) in the naval academy and in naval service. He’s alive today, so man, that’s gotta be a BIG win having served in active duty. He is now a pilot for Delta, flying the friendly skies. Listen, I don’t know Tim, but I see, the Naval academy followed by Delta pilot and i think one thing...Top Gun. Frankly, when you add in the fact that his last name implies that he’s able to disregard a negative incident, it’s no wonder that he’s (just short of) a scratch golfer. Like I said, his life is just short of perfect. I mean 2.2 handicap???

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Saps Says: This will be an interesting experiment; can a near scratch golfer compete in the LBI amongst the debauchery and bafoonnary? Amongst the mayhem and hijinks? Conventional wisdom says maybe, but I personally believe the answer is "perhaps."

CT Says: I have played with a scratch golfer twice. What impressed me most is the sheer consistency that really doesn’t waver. Now, you add to that, he plays many of his rounds with Bryan Mikoy and maintains his near scratch status and it’s tough to bet against someone with that kind of wherewithal. HOWEVER, add in the level of boozing that occurs in myrtle and I have to stop “just short of” predicting his victory.


15 Golfers down....5 to go.....who will take the number one spot. More importantly, who will actually take home the 2011 LBI trophy? I'm just so excited....and dammit, I refuse to hide it!

~ Saps