PMSs - Post Myrtle Stress Syndrome

Oh, I've got the PMSs, and I've got it bad. Symptoms include:

• Bad case of the shakes (still visible after nearly 2 weeks)
• Urge to shotgun a beer at 9am
• Urge to shotgun a beer at 9:15am
• Urge to shotgun a beer at 9:30am
• Allergic reaction to shirts (no matter the material)
• Razor burn (from actually having to shave for the first time in nearly 5 months)
• Depression after I realize my alarm clock is not waking me up for a morning tee time
• Depression after I realize 18 holes on Sunday morning will not be followed up by 54 more, but rather a week of work

Sigh. It's taken me almost two full weeks to recover from my PMSs - and even now, I ain't right. Keep in mind I was out in Vegas the week before Myrtle, so I've got the syndrome extra bad. Now though, with my head starting to clear, I think it's time for the 2011 LBI recap!

Hyperbole is generally used in the opening sentence for recaps, but in this case I don't think I'm exaggerating - this was the best LBI yet! Part 2 of the statement - that was the most I've ever drank....ever. How much beer did I drink? So much beer that Jager tasted good. Things you aren't supposed to hear: "Mmmmm, man...that Jager was refreshing." There's a reason Gatorade doesn't make a Jager flavored sports drank....cause it's NOT refreshing. After two dozen or so shotguns however, even paint thinner would taste good.

It wasn't just the booze though - everything was fun (despite some dick-baggery by multiple marshals). I think it comes from the mix of seeing old friends, meeting new people, and seeing a very nude Dougie wandering our condo in search of his elusive keys (no Doug, they aren't under my bed...you don't have to bend over to look....oh god). Small tweaks each year, but the fun factor is always additive (never subtractivite). Personally, I think the addition of the "live leader board" was good-ish. I really liked being able to see the standings while out on the course (even though every time I looked, Shea was pulling further and further away). Keeping 3 sets of scores however, proved difficult and even impossible at times. Lessons learned for next year; Keep the score card clean, and worry about the leader board only when there's some down time. Since we have a full year before LBI 2012, I'm optimistic the leader board application will improve. If not, maybe I'll take some application developer courses at Strayer or Phoenix - get that shit set up right!

As always, the rookies made a strong impact - whether it be Tim taking the time to provide free lessons over 4 rounds (and shooting the first sub par round in LBI history), Jimmy polishing off a bottle of Jamison on the ride down, or Rob fighting through a wired jaw only to clean out the RV shitter (that's a man's man, right there!). You guys are great additions to the LBI, and I can't wait to see you out there again next year.

Of course, it wasn't all shotguns and naked dance parties - there was rage to be found. If there's an axiom from 2011, it's this; Never get between Hollandsworth and his cheese - and never mess with CT and a sub. There must have been some super-volcanic activity which was affecting the earth's electromagnetic field, because both CT and Mike fell victim to food related rage within hours of each other. Still, it's pretty remarkable that 20 guys can spend 5 days drinking a ton of booze, and the only real drama is over queso dip and surreptitious sub snacking. If that isn't a testament to the quality of people then I just don't know what is!

OK, OK, enough with the touchy feely, lovey dovey crap, get on with the recap! Tell us who won already. Well, in a general / cosmic way, we all won because he had a great time and shared memories (albeit fuzzy), but in a more specific way, it was Kevin Shea who won big at LBI 2011. We'll get to his recap in a bit, but first lets look at the rest of the field, starting with last place (and RV shitter emptier):

20. Rob Weining +58 net (projected finish: 17th)

What we said: "Rob has an excellent chance of posting solid scores, but with the liquid diet, he is prime for the rookie wall."

What happened was: Rob shook off a fractured jaw and came out of the gates firing low! He posted a net 69 on the first round, and found himself near the top of the leader board. Unfortunately, that rookie wall popped up faster than we expected, and Rob couldn't recapture the magic in rounds 2, 3 and 4. Unfortunately, while he was blowing up the score card, we were blowing up the RV bathroom. Never before has the last place finish paid such a high penalty. This year was especially 'yucky.' Like I said before though, rolling into Myrtle with a broken jaw is all kinds of manly. Well done, sir!

19. Doug Barzscz +55 net (Projected Finish 11th)

What we said: "Barzscz has the best chance to finish highest of the bottom 5, but his chin looks like a balls."

What happened was: Just give him a chance, he'll be your Doug. Nude Mr. Belvidere was playing very solid golf leading up to Myrtle, but never got it going on the golf course. Was it the mustache? Hell no, that thing was sweet and could only have enhanced his game! Some days, the ball just doesn't fly straight, or heterosexually. Mustache Jager!!

18. Troy Welck +48 net (Projected Finish 18th)

What we said: "If you’re betting on Troy, I recommend sticking with whether or not he leaves Myrtle Beach with a cell phone."

What happened was: Those betting on Troy to leave with his cell phone won big! Troy and Doug were both in the hunt after the first day at Legends - this despite some "trouble" getting out of the sand at Parkland. Thistle turned out to be his undoing, but all in all not a bad showing.

16 (T). Rufus Knight +37 net (Projected Finish 12th)

What we said: "Great short game, but yet to be seen if he can show any consistency."

What happened was: Consistency turned out to be the issue again - with net scores of 72, followed by an 87....then a 75, but backed up with an 89. On a positive note, I can personally attest to one monster drive he hit at TPC, which took a hop and and almost hit our cart. Unfortunately, we weren't parked in the fairway, and the hop took the ball into a stream. One step forward, two steps back :(

16 (T). Dave Nasar +37 net (Projected Finish 15th)

What we said: "Coming off back surgery, will good health be the X-Factor?"

What happened was: In his 3rd year, Dave finally found some consistency out on the course. Sure, he was consistently in the 'one-teens' but he was far less up and down than previous years. Leveling off is the first step towards lowing scores, so I don't think it will be long before Dave makes some noise in the LBI. For now though, a tie with fellow a UVA-er is a good finish.

15. Jason Lich +33 net (Projected Finish 2nd)

What we said: "No Ladd means more focus for Lich - look for his shrek-like dome to make a STRONG push"

What happened was: Was it the last minute addition of arch nemesis Ladd that caused Lich's demise? Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately for Brian), it was the 2011 injury bug once again taking a bite out of the competition. Lich suffered a pretty nasty sprained wrist on the first day (even requiring a 4am trip to Myrtle Urgent Care....which may be the most honest name for a brothel I've ever heard) but still managed to avoid the DNF. After the cortisone injection failed to do the trick, we tried some 'home remedies' to fix the busted wing. 11 shotguns into the round at Thistle, Lich's arm was still hurting, but at least the man was smiling. Until the lawn mower fired up behind us.

14. Jimmy Flynn +30 net (Projected Finish 20th)

What we said: "He'll without a doubt make NOISE on the course, but bet hard for the DNF"

What happened was: 5 mins after his arrival it looked as though those betting the DNF were in for a mighty pay day. "Weary" from the long drive, Jimmy looked as though the marathon 36 hole day one could be the end - but he shocked us all by playing....and playing well. Finishing in the top 15 in a strong field...as a rookie...which ain't bad t'all.

13. Damon Mikoy +28 net (Projected Finish 3rd)

What we said: "The more you know him, the more you get what you don't expect"

What happened was: So....we must know him very well? Damon was our 2nd biggest miss when we put together the rankings....and since I didn't play with him, I can't say for sure what happened. Jet lag? Beer Clubs? Zombie Bite? More electromagnetic disruptions from super volcanic activity?

12. Matt Moden +27 net (Projected Finish 8th)

What we said: "The best thing about Moden is waiting to see what he'll do"

What happened was: Turns out the answer was 'cause havoc.' Other than climbing a tree to retrieve multiple clubs, driving a golf cart into a bush, playing an entire back nine shirtless, and being projected from a moving golf cart, Moden was pretty calm this year. He didn't miss the top 10 by much, and other than the 2nd 18 at Legends he played some good golf.

10 (T). Chris Stevens +25 net (Projected Finish 16th)

What we said: "If he goes on a run here and there, Stevens could edge a little higher in the standings"

What happened was: Stevens came out of the gates firing a net 70 in his first round of the LBI, and played solid over the remaining rounds. The result was his first top 10 finish for our very own "International Man of Mystery."

10 (T). Matt Sapsford +25 net (Projected Finish 10th)

What we said: "The game has improved over the past year, but so has the field.....should be able to hold on for a top 10 finish."

What happened was: I have to admit...I may have had one or two drinks out there on the course. Following a decent (though unimpressive) opening round 93, I took the express train to pound town. Maybe my scores weren't anything to brag about, but surviving rounds with Shea & Moden (9 Shotguns, 1 Jager shot each), Lich (11 Shotguns each - current LBI record) and Mustache Barz (multiple mustache Jager shots) and still finishing in the top 10 is perhaps my proudest LBI moment. A note on the 'epic-ness' of the Thistle round. After clearing out the empty cans from my side of the golf cart, Lich directed the beer cart girl to the back of the cart - where he'd been hiding his empties. Upon seeing the carnage, she muttered under her breath "oh my god." You suckers wanna know why you didn't see her on the back 9? We done bought all her booze!

8 (T). Chris Mikoy +20 net (Projected Finish 1st)

What we said: "The magic 8-ball says this is the year."

What happened was: Maybe it was sub-shop karma, or maybe it was the stress of living up to the #1 ranking....or, maybe chalk another one up to super volcanic activity causing fluctuations in the earth's electromagnetic field. Whatever the reason, CT bookended two solid rounds (82, 82) with mediocre scores (86, 88). The real crusher was not that CT failed to take the LBI crown, but that he tied Brett in the overall standings....which totally killed some of the side action between me, Hollandsworth and Shea. Booooooooo!!!

8 (T). Brett Mikoy +20 net (Projected Finish 5th)

What we said: "Monsieur Brett est l'un des golfeurs les plus constants dans le groupe LBI."

What happened was: Another guy who came out of the gates firing. Brett had every intention of going toe to toe with Tim - his opening round 75 was a strong statement. But then suddenly, booze, and lots of it. Brett's 2nd round 93 all but killed his chances at back to back champ - but he still had a chance for the CT vs Brett bet.....and he would have won me some money!! They were tied after the first day, then they tied on the 3rd day...then they shot dual 88's at TPC. Way to make it interesting douches.

6 (T). Bryan Mikoy +15 net (Projected Finish 13th)

What we said: "Last year we had him ranked really high, and he failed to live up to his single digit handicap."

What happened was: They say it takes about a year to play up to your handicap, and it looks like once again, 'they' are correct. Where last year Bryan struggled to play up to his potential, this year he rolled in calm and confident. Never mind a couple club tosses here and there.

6 (T). Gabe Castro +15 net (Projected Finish 7th)

What we said: "Role model, mentor, lover of all things rose`....GaYb is a lock for the top 10"

What happened was: There's not a lot of room for error when you play as a single digit handicap. Gabe fired well all week, and with his even par front 9 at TPC looked to be in the hunt for the title. T-6 in a strong field, as a low handicapper is an impressive finish to be sure.

5. Brian Ciarlo +14 net (Projected Finish 9th)

What we said: "He'll shoot on his average, or slightly better....but he'll need someone to fall off if he's going to finish in the top 5."

What happened was: Turns out the only person who fell off was Ciarlo! He was in the low to mid 80s all week, until the last day. He would have needed to fire real low in order to have a shot at the top 3, so the 95 probably didn't hurt him too badly. All in all, a welcome return to the top 5 for Ciarlo, and a well played 2011 LBI.

4. Brian Ladd+12 net (Projected Finish n/a)

What we said: "Lets just not tell Ladd we're going this year, and maybe we can make it down there without him."

What happened was: No No, we didn't say that at all. Ladd was actually a last minute substitution, pulled in after the injury bug claimed the hamstring of Pat Shea. Rolling down without any real mental or physical preparation, Ladd played extremely well - posting his first sub 100 round at Myrtle. He also managed to capture Moden's tree climbing failure on vide,o in addition to creating another sweet opening shot video montage. That's back to back years of solid video contributions (if you include HD Shirtless Par 3 as a 'positive').

3. Mike Hollandsworth+4 net (Projected Finish 19th)

What we said: "With that high of a handicap, it's tempting to put him up as a contender....It'll be another battle for last place, but he's working hard to get his average in line with his handicap."

What happened was: On paper, this was the biggest shocker of the LBI....but then again, for those following Mike on the OOB, we've been seeing all of his hard work paying off. Over the past 6 months, the scores have gone down dramatically. Check it out: 143 (Oct), 126 (Nov), 123 (Dec), 135 (Feb), 120 (Mar), 116 (Apr), LBI 2011 Avg: 114.5. I'll admit, I hand picked those numbers to highlight the trend, but the improvement is very impressive. Then again, maybe he owes his improvement to performance enhancing drugs. There were multiple reports of rage - and hulk like aggression against a window. Time to pee in the cup, sir!

2. Tim Slough +2 net (Projected Finish 6th)

What we said: "can a near scratch golfer compete in the LBI amongst the debauchery and bafoonnary?"

What happened was: Why yes, apparently he can. Tim not only brought the noise, but he brought the funk too! Including this year, we've only seen 6 sub-80 rounds at the LBI - and Tim is responsible for half. Want more? He was the first golfer to post a sub-par round at the LBI....and the whole time offering tips and pointers to those in the group. Well done, sir...you've set the bar pretty high after your first tournament. Next year, we need to implement the Sluggo rule. Every 3rd tee hole - either beer club, or 'dizzy bat' before the tee shot....your choice. It's either that, or you get paired up with Shea all 4 rounds. We need to level the playing field somehow!!!

1. Kevin Shea +1 net (Projected Finish 4th)

What we said: "Handicap is high, but scoring average is coming down. This could be the year Shea cracks Top 5."

What happened was: In between shotgunning beers and moving like Bernie, Shea posted an 84 and an 85 - absolutely CRUSHING me in our head to head bet. "Race Track Red" helped me pay off my debt on Saturday night (I conceded the bet after 3 rounds), which may have contributed to Shea's final round 101. Still, even with the Sunday slide, Shea held on for the 1 stroke lead. Worth noting, when Brett won in 2010, he was borderline blackout throughout the week. Shotgun Shea was just as, if not more, inebriated during his LBI run (also note, they both won with matching 287 net scores). Could Tim or Mike have taken the title had they drank a little more on that final day? Well, they've got a year to second guess their actions - while Shea has a year to celebrate with the cup! Congratulations to the big guy for a hell of a run.

I know I'm probably omitting a ton of great stories from this recap - like chowing down HARD at that BBQ buffet - and I haven't had a chance to look through any pictures, but that just means we'll have more to add later! Once again, a very sincere thank you to Brett for organizing everything each year. I meant what I said about this year being the best so far - which just means things will keep getting better. LBI 2015 - Hooters sponsorship. 2017 - Gold Club Sponsorship!!! 2020 - Flying RV's (like from Space Balls)!!!!

BTW, did you all see the 'gator at Thistle?

~Saps

Countdown to Myrtle: Meet your Golfers - Part 8

1. Chris Mikoy

The ladies...love him. The men...envy him. The horses....fear him. Why? Well, no one knows, but some things in life are better left unquestioned (especially that horse thing). At the end of the day, he's one of two member’s of the LBI crew who has managed to post a sub-80 round in competition, so he’s got that going for him, which is nice. He’s also got one of the most mechanically sound swings of anyone in the group. This fact is critical - it’s nice to rely on muscle memory after the 4th or 5th shotgun. CT has 4 passions, his wife, his son, his membership in the International Association of Loofah Enthusiasts and golfing with the fellas. Now that it is his sole man-trip every year, watch out; it got that much more important...watch out.

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Saps Says: More head to head action between Chris and Brett should be fun for all, both on and off the course. It will be close, but CT takes the crown at the end. (Projected Finish - 1st)

CT Says: I consulted my magic 8 ball and it told me two things. First, it’s a fact that Ninjas are mammals. Second, it told me that I would be the victor at Myrtle this year. It should be noted, however, that the magic 8 ball could have misheard me, thinking I asked if i would be the “vicar” this year.

Countdown to Myrtle: Meet Your Golfers - Part 7

Taking a break from living the dream to drop the next golfer in our player projections. Forgive me if I don't write anything more witty, but mojitos be calling my name!


2. Jason Lich

3 Facts. 1) The beast known as “El Chupacabra” is real, and has been terrorizing farmers in Texas and Mexico for centuries. 2) There has never been a sighting north of Reno, NV 3) Jason Lich currently lives in Seattle, Washington.

No one knows exactly how many of these beasts Lich has killed in his valiant protection of the Pacific Northwest, but we can safely assume the numbers are in the tens of thousands. Rattled when tossed from a cart, or chased by the paparazzi, Lich has the mental game of Tiger but overcomes the rage with a solid if unconventional game. Don’t worry about where he’s aiming - 45 degrees to the right will still get piped low and straight down the fairway....245 yards to glory. He's the only member at Myrtle with a hole in own, and one of three with an even par round. It doesn't matter that his swing is that of bizarro-Furyk, if you're matched against him you better bring a bottle of Woodford and your "A" game.

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Saps Says: No Ladd means more focus for Lich. He's not been playing well, but his game is always solid. Should be yet another top 5 finish for El Chupacabra. (Projected Finish - 5th)

CT Says: Lich lethargically leaps over “lasers” while he laments that his limp left hand largely causes his driver to levitate above the lawn on the links. It’s true. Watch him. As for his results, I wonder if his move to Seattle has made him become so engrossed in the whereabouts of mythical creatures that he has lost the ability to maintain his focus on golf. However, there’s a lot of room in that giant shrek-dome and he’s capable of overcoming that nonsense to make a STRONG run this year...

Countdown to Myrtle - Meet Your Golfers - Part 6

LBI is everywhere. It is all around us. Even now, in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes. It is the world that drives our wives, girlfriends, or significant others (Mike loves the c*ck) mad. No one can be told what LBI is, you have to see it for yourself.

You sip your beer, the story ends. You wake up on Monday, your head is fine, and you continue your dull, boring life. You take a shotgun, you stay in wonderland. And, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Introducing your projected number 3...

3) Damon Mikoy

• It is said that the more you know him, the more you get what you don’t expect.
• When a bottle of scotch runs dry in the middle of a party, it sends shivers down his spine.
• Seeing him wear a pair of biking shorts makes you run out to buy a pair only to find out you look silly in them.
• A style of cigar is named after him.
• If he went blind, instead of black he’d see a room full of mahogany and fine leather books.
  

He can play the minute waltz in just over 30 seconds. Yeah, that’s right, he plays the piano.
Oh, and he’ll also drink all night, then go jump into the pacific for a little navy seal training.

If I had to use one word to describe Damon: passion. At the end of the day, Damon approaches nothing with disdain. If he’s doing something, you bet your ass he’s going after it...hard. And remember, a close friend of passion is rage...We will close with a quote from Damon that sums him up nicely: “Golf is a game of etiquette and integrity...asshole!”

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Saps Says:
Last time in the LBI, Damon racked up a DNF due to a sunday flight- but before that he was shooting well. After a few years off, I think he comes back strong and nabs a last top 5 spot. (Projected Finish - 3rd)

CT Says:
Four rounds will be tough, but there’s not a lot of problems with his game. Just those pesky 3 foot putts! Damon rarely has problems off the tee or with his irons. It really will come down to his play around the greens. Could a couple 3 putts engage the rage motor or will we see a cool calm and collected D take home the trophy??? It will be too close to call.

Countdown to Myrtle: Meet Your Golfers - Part 5

Oh Lordy, we're getting down to the wire! Only 9 more days until the first tee shot. 9 more days until shirtless shotguns, hooters hula hoops, and general jackassery. As this is the last full week before we depart, we'll be releasing a player bio per day! Ambitious, sure, but were dedicated to bringing you the best ways to waste company time with out sending out delicious pornography. Oh, and to make things even better by this time tomorrow I'll in Vegas. A week in Vegas, followed right up by a week at Myrtle? Sweet Jesus...start the prop bets on whether on not I finish the 1st round!

4. Kevin Shea

Folks round this way claim Kevin Shea is not so much a man as he is a part of nature. They say his mamma was the wind, and his pappa the forest. They say tornadoes spawn from his sneezes and hurricanes from his farts. He's nine feet tall if he's a foot, and his arms can stretch from the Kansas clear to Arkansas. Yes sir, Kevin Shea once drank a bar clean out of Capitan Morgan and when the bartender told him there was nothing left, Sheabone replied "that's OK partner, I felt like switching to Vodka anyways." Tall tales maybe, but spend enough time around this lanky character and you may find yourself telling a Sheabone story of your own.

Also, he’s a robot.

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Saps Says: Saps's Sleeper Special(tm). Shea will constantly be in pound town, and rarely wear a shirt - but along the way he'll play some golf. Handicap is high, but scoring average is coming down. This could be the year Shea cracks Top 5 (Projected Finish - 4th)

CT Says: The quality of Kevin’s play is inversely related to the probability of two, maybe three, factors. (i) the pending probability of a supervolcanic explosion and subsequent mad max-like post-apocalyptic society based on a system of bartering; (ii) the probability of a zombie event - one in which is induced by humans or through the natural course of human events. (iii) a robot infiltrate of humans whereby they become our overlords. Now, overlay this with the direct relationship of his golf play and his volume of shirtless shotguns on any given round AND the fact that the probability of the events noted above increase in his mind while drinking and it’s really anyone’s guess how Sheabone will play.

4 more to go!

~Saps

Countdown to Myrtle: Meet your Golfers - Part 4

Before we bring you number 5, let's recap how we got here.

#20 - Jimmy Flynn: The question is not whether or not Jimmy will place last, it's whether or not he'll finish. Bet hard for the DNF!!!

#19 - Mike Hollandsworth: It'll be another battle for last place, but Hollywood is working hard to get his average in line with his handicap. He's got a long way to go, and unfortunately he could be the most improved player coming into Myrlte and still not show any change in handicap or rankings.

#18 - Troy Welck: Trouble T-Roy...the name says it all.

#17 - Rob Weinig: Even before he’s been on a single LBI trip, Rob is already being considered for a yearly memorial award. He recently suffered a broken face after being sucker-punched trying to break up a fight at a Caps game. It’s clear he cares about his fellow man and there’s nothin’ but good karma coming his way for a long while.

#16 - Chris Stevens: Stevens has been nowhere to be seen on the courses since last year’s Myrtle. However, it’s been 7 years since I’ve lived back in DC and I still have no clue if he even has a job.

#15 - Dave Nasar: In the fall, Simon Cowell is starting a new show called the X Factor. Up to this point, Nasar’s biggest accomplishment in Myrtle has been to sport the best Freddy Mercury impersonation to be seen outside of SNL.

#14 - Pat Shea: There’s two theories behind ranking a Shea. One says that he’ll be a good drinker. The other says that he’ll be tall. I know at least one of those to be true.

#13 - Bryan Mikoy: Just as Thor commands the thunder with his hammer, so to does the Hurricane command sobriety with his bellow. With real power comes real responsibility, and Hurricane has been responsible for at least one DQ so far.

#12 - Rufus Knight: He always has a great time. He’s a great man to hang with and is always ready to go out. He might end up getting you excited about drinking but all the time he’s throwing shots over his shoulder.

#11 - Doug Barszcz: Barz is almost 6 foot tall. Barz weighs north of 200lbs. He’s the kind of guy, who if he was messing with you in a bar, you would think twice about steppin’ to. All that said, Barz’ swing is cute. It’s just so soft and cuddly.

#10 - Matt Sapsford: An anenome? My enemy? No no no, an anomoly! Wait, maybe that is an enigma. What will you get today? That’s the question you ask when playing with Saps these days.

#9 - Brian Ciarlo: Swedish Chef says ... Herpty hur de durp de dur Ciarlo do derp de derpty Myrtle. Der derpty der de Hole in One der derpty derpty hur! Der, Herpty hur de hur derpty derp.

#8 - Matt Moden: As you are reading these words, Moden is banging your momz...

#7 - Gabe Castro: GaYb

#6 - Tim Slough: This will be an interesting experiment; can a near scratch golfer compete in the LBI amongst the debauchery and bafoonnary? Amongst the mayhem and hijinks? Conventional wisdom says maybe, but I personally believe the answer is "perhaps."

and your projected number 5 for 2011.........

#5 Brett Mikoy: Monsieur Brett est l'un des golfeurs les plus constants dans le groupe LBI. Il joue sans erreur, mais non sans charme: Plusieurs jeux ont été sauvés par le coup de miricles. Bien sûr, Monsieur Brett ne se contente pas voir jusqu'à balancer le bâton. Il sera l'alcool, il y aura français .... et peut-être même parler de robots. Aller en tête à tête avec monsieur Brett exige une grande concentration, et un dictionnaire anglais vers le français. Il est partie dans sa culotte, et tout le monde est invité.

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Saps Says: It was a tough call between CT and Brett. While CT holds the edge in head to head match play, Brett is better suited for Myrtle Golf. In the end, I think the 8 strokes "penalty" will be the difference between 1st and 2nd...despite the fact Brett won last year by exactly 8 strokes. (Projected Finish - 2nd)

CT Says: If there's anything Brett knows it's duh, Winning! He'll be the first to tell you abut his numerous CAN Championships, his perfect game bowling or his even par (liberty free) round of golf. Unfortunately, most of us don't have those on our resume, so in the famous words of Gerg (He who fills the meatpipe), "How can you compete?". That's always the queston when playing against Brett. He doesn't always bring his A game. But he almost always finds a way to get the most out of the game he brings. If he happens to bring the A game to myrtle again this year, those 8 strokes he loses being the defending champ may not matter. (CT's projectoion: 3rd)

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Countdown to Myrtle: Meet your Golfers - Part 3

It's Friday, and you know what that mean, don't you? Well, yes there is that, but Friday also means another release of the projected player rankings!


10. Matt Sapsford

What will you get today? Perhaps the most manic of the LBI golfers, Saps swings back and forth from goodness to badness - with the equal ability to post a sub-90 round as a 110. Potential for greatness matched with potential for fail. Oh, and there’s always the potential for rage. Still, the positives are starting to outweigh the negatives. With a few dozen cans of liquid confidence he could finally start to cash in on some of that potential....or he could kick out the windshield of the golf cart.

>>>VIEW PLAYER CARD>>>

Saps Says: 2010 was the first time cracking the top 5. Game has improved since last year, but so has the field. Still, I should be able to hold on for a top 10 finish. (Projected Finish - 8th)

CT Says: An anenome? My enemy? No no no, an anomoly! Wait, maybe that is an enigma. What will you get today? That’s the question you ask when playing with Saps these days. Now, you might consider that an insult, but I consider it a sign of change and that, for the good. First, let’s talk rage. The rage is nearly all but gone. Though if I can offer a side note, we played in mid-April and some rage-of-old reappeared. I write that off, though, to the fact it was raining and 42 degrees. I took him #1 last year and he didn’t disappoint, posting a top 3. And I submit to you had he understood the nature of 36 holes (and maybe kept his shirt on in round 2) he could have made it a bit closer. This year though, he’s cost me too much and I think we might have a temporary regression. But don’t be surprised if he sneaks away with it. (CT’s projection: 12th)


9. Brian Ciarlo

Of all the golfers on the LBI tour, Ciarlo is easily the biggest bastard. He's not must mean, he's dastardly in the true classical sense. He's tie a damsel to the train tracks cruel. Doubt me? Just try to cross him! Last year I made the mistake of teeing off before him while he had honors...well he was so angry he kicked a turtle. That's right a cute little turtle was sunning himself by the water and Ciarlo kicked the poor guy. Then he punched me in spine. Nope this cat is a bastard through and through.

Also, he's a Braves fan.

>>>VIEW PLAYER CARD>>>

Saps Says: You know Ciarlo will shoot right on his average, or slightly better, but he'll need someone to fall off if he's to finish in the top 5. (Projected Finish - 7th)

Swedish Chef Says: Herpty hur de durp de dur Ciarlo do derp de derpty Myrtle. Der derpty der de Hole in One der derpty derpty hur! Der, Herpty hur de hur derpty derp. (Projected Finish - Derp)


8. Matt Moden

As you are reading these words, Moden is banging your momz...

...and he's doing it a graphic, immoral, and most likely illegal fashion. As the only 2 time champ, it may sound like this skinny jean wearing mo/fo has game. Well, he does but it’s not always found on the golf course. The true prizes are awarded in the wee hours of the morning, when Moden can be found on the dance floor with limbs flailing about like a deranged Michael Flatley.

>>>VIEW PLAYER CARD>>>

Saps Says: Moden's past finishes: 1st, 1st, 9th, 2nd. How the hell can I justify him falling to 10? For me, this is a gut call. Looking at all of the talent in the top 10, I just think Moden gets squeezed out. (Projected Finish - 10th)

CT Says: Moden is now like the Green Bay Packers of the 80s and 90s. Sure, he won the first two LBI Cups, but was it really a tournament then? I mean, I think in 2008, Ron Dawg used a persimmon driver. And I didn’t catch his first name, but I’m 90% sure Bilbrey’s putter last name was Baroo. Here’s the thing though, no one is a two-time champ. And the more important thing is...remember that ad about 5 years ago from Ford called “What will Phil do?” (if you’re a golfer you will)...Well, the best thing about Moden is waiting to see what he’ll do this year...


7. Gabe Castro

What can i say about Gayb? As a brother-in-law, he's a role model. As a father, he's a mentor. as a professional, he's achieved levels of greatness at age 38 that i may never attain in my career. Ok, Gayb, you know what? I tried using this bio that you submitted to me but i just cant do it with a straight face. So, here's the real one...

In his last trip to myrtle , Gayb did to sleep what what shea, lich and troy did to 7am...we can only hope that performance was due to the trip being his first since becoming a daddy. As far as establishing his drinking prowess, there only one direction he can go. Gayb used to make 3 trips to Vegas per year that involved heaters only seen in the hangover. These days, however, his Vegas trips are bi-annual and when the cute waitress at the Hard Rock comes over to ask what he wants to drink, a 4-Letter Word comes out of his mouth...R-O-S-E.

>>>VIEW PLAYER CARD>>>

Saps Says: Barely missing the top 5 due to the strength of the field and Myrtle rust. Gabe should fall just outside top 5, but easily in the top 10 (Projected Finish - 6th)

CT Says: Gayb has as good of a home grown, natural swing as you will see. Having (proudly) never taken a lesson, he lets is natural ability guide him through his rounds. I’ve played with him for years and never seen it fall apart. The question i have is that he’s played maybe 10 rounds in two years and 3 have been at the Valero Open/Byron pro-ams. He’ll find a way to shoot some solid scores and might squeak into the top 3 but there will be a quad or two that takes him from overall contention...


6. Tim Slough

Tim’s life is just short of perfect. He spent 10 years (allegedly) in the naval academy and in naval service. He’s alive today, so man, that’s gotta be a BIG win having served in active duty. He is now a pilot for Delta, flying the friendly skies. Listen, I don’t know Tim, but I see, the Naval academy followed by Delta pilot and i think one thing...Top Gun. Frankly, when you add in the fact that his last name implies that he’s able to disregard a negative incident, it’s no wonder that he’s (just short of) a scratch golfer. Like I said, his life is just short of perfect. I mean 2.2 handicap???

>>>VIEW PLAYER CARD>>>

Saps Says: This will be an interesting experiment; can a near scratch golfer compete in the LBI amongst the debauchery and bafoonnary? Amongst the mayhem and hijinks? Conventional wisdom says maybe, but I personally believe the answer is "perhaps."

CT Says: I have played with a scratch golfer twice. What impressed me most is the sheer consistency that really doesn’t waver. Now, you add to that, he plays many of his rounds with Bryan Mikoy and maintains his near scratch status and it’s tough to bet against someone with that kind of wherewithal. HOWEVER, add in the level of boozing that occurs in myrtle and I have to stop “just short of” predicting his victory.


15 Golfers down....5 to go.....who will take the number one spot. More importantly, who will actually take home the 2011 LBI trophy? I'm just so excited....and dammit, I refuse to hide it!

~ Saps

Countdown to Myrtle: Meet your Golfers - Part 2

As some of you are (painfully) aware, I just got an iPad, and this has some very important ramifications. First, and foremost, I am now a hipster. Now, I've always had hipster tendencies (you may recall my crazy cool white sunglasses from last year or my love of comic books), but now I'm all in. Yup, from now on out I'm a full fledged, tight black T-shirt wearing, messenger bag toting, sipping my fair trade latte while blogging about music you've never heard of hipster. I'm also going to be mentioning my iPad at just about every chance I can.

It will probably go something like this: "nice putt Matt."
"thanks, I was trading posts with some people over in the keyhole forum on my iPad and I learned this green breaks hard to the left."

Or maybe: "Hey Saps, how did you know waffle house served all those items not found on the menu?".
"Oh, well I was checking out the Food spotting website on my iPad and learned all about the secret menu."

But more likely: "Hey buddy, why are you crying?"
"Because those assholes tossed my new iPad out the window of the RV."

Before you all start hating on my new hipster status, you should know there are some perks. Last year I brought my laptop down to Myrtle with every intention of updating the blog for all those following at home. Those of you at home will remember I did not accomplish this at all....not even close. Just a media blackout fail. But now that I'm a iPad toting hipster, I'm obligated by the hipster code to blog on a regular basis, and the updates will be flowing!

Of course, that doesn't come into play for another couple of weeks. So let's get back to the pre-LBI projections.


15. Dave Nasar

Making his 3rd trip, Dave is now an officially an LBI veteran - and after having off-season back surgery, Dave is an officially an old man. Of course, being in the old dude club means that Dave can also rock a bad ass moustache whenever he pleases. Seriously, the dude’s face is like the play dough fun factory, able to squeeze out a Freddy Mercury thick stash in a matter of minutes. Dave’s game shares the same laissez-faire approach he likes from his federal government. Yeah, he just finished his swing with a one handed follow through..what of it? You don’t have to worry about how many strokes he took and it's none of your business if his credit card is maxed. The ball is going to get into the hole eventually, Dave is going to drink some scotch....and somebody might get a free hat.

>>>VIEW PLAYER CARD>>>

Saps Says: Last year, Nasar fought through a bad back. He had surgery in the off season and is reportedly feeling better than he has in years. This should really help his game, but it should also help him enjoy LBI more - which is the important thing anyways, right? (Projected Finish - 16th)

CT Says: In the fall, Simon Cowell is starting a new show called the X Factor. Up to this point, Nasar’s biggest accomplishment in Myrtle has been to sport the best Freddy Mercury impersonation to be seen outside of SNL. Now, however, he’s had back surgery. He’s had ample time to recover, rehab and hone his game for myrtle. The X Factor is this: was his back the issue, or did his drinking cause much of the problems he faced on the course??? (It might be one year too early for me to predict a major turn around at myrtle...but rest assured i thought REAL hard about making him a dark horse. I guess I just don’t have the guts to make him the underdog of the year...(CT’s projection: 13th)


14. Pat Shea **LBI Rookie**

Not wanting to be completely one-upped by the Mikoy clan, the Shea brothers are looking to make their Myrtle presence felt. Pat's addition has a lot of the LBI crew concerned...not to mention my girlfriend, who upon learning another Shea was joining, wept for hours. After we visited a lawyer and got all my affairs in order, I visited a buddist temple and made peace with the universe. I can safely say that I am ready for whatever may come of this Maelstrom of Shea. My advice to all you is to do the same.

>>>VIEW PLAYER CARD>>>

Saps Says: Adding another Shea to the mix spells trouble for the entire field. Pat is plenty capable, but we need to see how he handles the LBI before projecting any top 10 finishes. (Projected Finish - 12th)

CT Says: There’s two theories behind ranking a Shea. One says that he’ll be a good drinker. The other says that he’ll be tall. I know at least one of those to be true. As you can see, neither of these have anything to do with golf. My one memory of Pat is at Kevin’s wedding where the bridal party entered the reception to the title track from the jock jams cd; and he was into it. Who cares how he plays, he will assuredly fit in well in myrtle. Since I must rank him... (Projected Finish - 11th)


13. Bryan Mikoy

Here comes the story of the Hurricane. We only wish the authorities had came to claim him! By day, this mild mannered family man does stuff with the kids, spends time with the wife, and works around the house. He’s Mr. Mom...the picture of suburban bliss. But when an accidental overdose of booze mixes with his unique body chemistry, a startling metamorphosis occurs.....the creature is drive by rage...and booze. Just as Thor commands the thunder with his hammer, so to does the Hurricane command sobriety with his bellow. With real power comes real responsibility, and Hurricane has been responsible for at least one DQ so far.

(This bio contains 3 references to Marvel superheros...can you guess which ones? Here’s a hint; I didn’t have sex in high school.)

>>>VIEW PLAYER CARD>>>

Saps Says: Last year we had him ranked really high, and he failed to live up to his single digit handicap. This year I think more of the same. The handicap is too low to shrug off a blow up round. (Projected Finish - 11th)

CT Says: In 2008 all we heard for six months was “i’m comin after ya. my game is really strong now”. 2008 result: FAIL. After taking a hiatus in 2009, he came into Myrtle with the lowest handicap of the group and immensely high hopes. While it wasn’t a complete fail, he was bested by his brother on all fronts. In 2011’s LBI he’ll have 3 years of solid play and a close friend who is a ringer to help balance him. It could be his year...That is, unless the pressure gets to him again. His game may be the most improved of anyone in myrtle to date. I’d love to see him prove me wrong, but that handicap is just too low. (Projected Finish - 15th)


12. Rufus Knight

Here are 3 facts about Rufus; He's a proud father, he gets really excited for good food, and he wears long pants on the golf course. Here's one fact about me; I may have a bit of a man crush (It's just so hard to find some who matches my enthusiasm for sandwiches). His game has flashes of goodness intermixed with random badness...and I really do mean random. Over the course of 18 holes, 7 tee shots will employ a strong right to left draw and land perfectly in the fairway, 4 might drift off to the right and land out of bounds, 5 will snap too far to the left and land in the woods, and 2 will fly perfectly straight. Despite being a random shot generator off the tee, Rufus is strong with the short game and may have some of the softest hands of the group. If I play my cards right, maybe he'll even let me hold one. Crap...did I just type that? Great, now I'm gonna blush when I see him next.

>>>VIEW PLAYER CARD>>>

Saps Says: One day, Rufus will learn to hit a consistent ball off the tee, and when that happens he'll be very good. Still, he's got the short game to help make up for the tee box wildness, and should finish in the top 10. (Projected Finish - 9th)

CT Says: I’m still waiting for Rufus to really find his Myrtle identity. He always has a great time. He’s a great man to hang with and is always ready to go out. He might end up getting you excited about drinking but all the time he’s throwing shots over his shoulder. But my question still remains about whether he can find the consistency to put him in the top 5. (Projected Finish - 13th)


11. Doug Barszcz

As famed naturalist Dian Fossey once remarked "By far, the Doug Barszcz is the most playful of the mountain gorillas...his mirthful exuberance and inquisitive nature displays an eerie similarity to humans...truly we are more alike than not." Barz's siren-like abilities will leave golfers scratching their heads and wondering "how the hell did I get so drunk out there...I don't remember ordering that many beers..." Much like the Spanish Inquisition, few see the Barz effect coming - one minute you're casually drinking a beer, and the next you're laying face down naked in the parking lot.

>>>VIEW PLAYER CARD>>>

Saps Says: And so begins the race for last! Barz has the early edge to finish best among the final 5, but anything is possible.. (Projected Finish - 15th)

CT Says: Barz is almost 6 foot tall. Barz weighs north of 200lbs. He’s the kind of guy, who if he was messing with you in a bar, you would think twice about steppin’ to. All that said, Barz’ swing is cute. It’s just so soft and cuddly. I’ve been asking myself (and him) for years now “where is the power?”. Is he the gentle giant? Does he want to ensure he doesn’t re-activate the hernia? is it the gout? No one knows, but through it all, he’s found a way to get those 120/130 scores down to the low 100s. If he can make that happen over 2-3 rounds, he’ll be up there. I, for one, think this will be his year. Oh, and his chin looks like a balls. (Projected Finish - 3rd)


10 down and 10 top go! Tune in next time to learn 10 through 5.....same LBI time, same LBI channel.

See what i did there with the reference to the 1960s Batman? Val Kilmer's Batman is so mainstream....Adam West is cool

~Saps
Posted from my iPad

Countdown to Myrtle: Meet Your Golfers - Part 1

Can you believe LBI 2011 is less than a month away?? In fact, by the time you read this, it will probably be even closer! Holy crap! I just don't know how to contain all this excitement!

Well, you know what, I don't have to contain nothing. Nope, I'm just letting it fly loose and free. Running up and up and down the halls yelling "MyrtleMyrtleMyrtleMyrtleMyrtle" over and over again. I even have my own little "Myrtle Dance". Yup, by the time May 17th gets here (provided I still have a job), my office will probably offer to pay my way down to Myrtle, just to get me the hell out of here.

Still, I suppose I could focus some of this energy constructively. To that end, I'll be updating the blog regularly between now and RV departure - beginning with this installment of "Meet your golfers." Last month, a panel of experts performed a highly scientific statistical analysis of each golfer, and then fed this data into a computer. After surfing porn for a couple of hours and playing Angry Birds, the research team went back to the data, analyzed the information, and projected each golfer's LBI 2011 finish. This stuff is strong with the science!

So without further adieu, I present the bottom 5 projected finishes...and Boswell. Remember, you can view the full bio's and look at a ton of statistics, summaries, and even swing videos for each golfer at the LBI website.

N/A Steve Boswell

Is the pope a catholic? Does a Bos $#&@ in the woods? As the elder statesman of the group, Jesus Boswellio carries a regal nobility which compliments his mature demeanor. That is unless he’s running around the golf course with his testicles hanging out of his pants. A lover of beers both Belgian and hopped, Sir Boswellicus the Inebriated can often be found swilling beverages at the Bottom Line with his current life partner Shea (rumor is they got married during a recent trip out to Las Vegas). Bos’s golf game took turn a big time turn in 2009 as he fought through a wrist injury and multitudes of mental demons to win the LBI Cup. Unfortunately, the injury bug has reared it’s ugly head, and Bos won’t be participating in the 2011 LBI Championship. Shoulder surgery may keep him off the greens, but it won’t keep him away from Myrtle. Happily, Bos will still be making the trek this year - you’ll find him drinking beers and chilling in the golf cart with Shea’s “caddies.”

>>>View Player Card>>>

20 Jimmy Flynn **LBI Rookie**

Jimmy is big. Everything about Jimmy is big. Big boy, big laugh, big personality....and his big fist will leave a big bruise on your arm (just ask Bos). Jimmy is also loud. Oh lordy, he’s loud. For Myrtle, we’re not only projecting some big scores but we’re also expecting you to know about them even if you’re three groups back. Jimmy is rolling down to Myrtle as a rookie, and whether or not he is able to knock the rust off his game in the next month, he will more than likely succumb to more than a couple big, loud nights. There’s no doubt the big boy will have fun, the question is just how much will that fun interfere with the golf game. The answer is probably “a lot.” Heaven help us all if Bubba and Hurricane decide to have a ‘big’ night at the same time. I don’t know if any of us can withstand that kind of punishment.

>>>View Player Card>>>

Saps Says: The question is not whether or not Jimmy will place last, it's whether or not he'll finish. Bet hard for the DNF!!! (Saps's Projection - 19th)

CT Says: Speaking anecdotally, it took Jimmy a solid two to three seasons before his true bowling skills were exhibited to their fullest potential. Even today, carrying the first or second highest average on the team, he still cowers from the clean up position. He’s just not yet a closer. But he’s young and even Mariano Rivera started out as a set up man.

Jimmy’s golf game doesn’t appear to be in the same class as his bowling game. So, don’t bet too much money on him bringing home a trophy this year. But also, don’t bet on anyone he’s paired up with, either... (CT's projection - 18th)

19 Mike Hollandsworth

Along with Lich, Brett, & Hurricane Mikoy, Mike is among the only member of the LBI crew to post a score of 72. Unfortunately, it was on the back 9 at Old Hickory. As a rookie in 2010, Mike was the only golfer not to finish a round. While his last place finish was primarily due to the effects of Hurricane Mikoy, Hollywood (admit it, you loved that movie) struggled over the course of the week and Bryan’s alcoholic assault could very well be considered a Kevorkian like mercy killing. Still, there is optimism for 2011 - Mike may be rolling to Myrtle with a couple lessons under his belt and his actual handicap is getting closer and closer to the max allowed by law (39.1 vs. 36.4). Plus, we’ll have couple of new faces this year which should give Mike an edge, albeit ever so slight.

>>>View Player Card>>>

Saps Says: It'll be another battle for last place, but Hollandsworth is working hard to get his average in line with his handicap. He's got a long way to go, and unfortunately he could be the most improved player coming into Myrlte and still not show any change in handicap or rankings. (Saps's Projection - 18th)

CT Says: With that high handicap, it’s so tempting to put him up as a contender. Add to that a recent lesson that changed his grip has enabled him to post a couple rounds south of 120 and this kid is just begging the risk takers to throw some money on him. But I’ve got a kid and a wife and am just not in a position to take such a risk. I believe as early as next year he could be a strong contender. But this year, there’s still too many questions to be answered with his game... (CT's projection - 19th)

18 Troy Welck

Trouble T-Roy. He’s Mayhem from the television commercials; “I’m the quiet guy riding next to you in the golf cart. While you’re growing more and more frustrated with your game, I’m ordering another 12-pack from the beverage cart. While you’re adding up your scorecard, I’ve already ordered up a second round of shots. You blink, and all it’s 7am and you’re in a strip club parking lot.” As best I can tell, Troy hasn’t picked up a club since he left Myrtle a year ago, but then again practice was never all that high of a priority. From the wake up, grip it and rip it school, Troy’s game is all about quiet sneakiness. Pay attention!

>>>View Player Card>>>

Saps Says: Trouble T-Roy...the name says it all. (Saps's Projection - 17th)

CT Says: Troy is here to get his fix of golf and spend some quality drunken time with the boys. If you’re betting on Troy, I recommend sticking with whether or not he leaves Myrtle Beach with a cell phone. Historically, that’s a 50/50 bet. (CT's projection - 17th)

17* Rob Weining **LBI Rookie**

*potentially injured

In a word, eclectic (here you go Jimmy). Sure, he may look like a dirty hippie, and yes he plays plays guitar, mandolin, sings, acts and has long hair. But he also plays flag football for the CAN league, baseball with the Newshounds and now golf with LBI. Oh wait, he grills a mean burger, and infuses his own booze (although, drinking one of his mysterious concoctions may cause you to vomit off the back of a deck). So just how will this jack of all trades fare down in Myrtle with the jacks of all asses? Can Rob add surviving Myrtle to his list of accomplishments, or will he hit that rookie wall? Only time will tell. Actually, that’s a completely ridiculous question. He’s gonna hit the wall.

Saps Says: Looking at it from only a golf perspective, Rob has an excellent chance of posting solid scores. His game is steady, and while he’s not the biggest hitter, he generally stays out of trouble. Of course, we all know Myrtle isn’t just about the golf and there is a good chance he’ll hit that rookie wall. Still, I think Rob will make a strong showing in his rookie trip and finish inside the top 15. (Saps's Projection - 13th)

CT Says: Even before he’s been on a single LBI trip, Rob is already being considered for a yearly memorial award. He recently suffered a broken face after being sucker-punched trying to break up a fight at a Caps game. It’s clear he cares about his fellow man and there’s nothin’ but good karma coming his way for a long while. On top of all this, his diet leading up to LBI ‘11 will be very similar to what he’ll be getting in Myrtle; LIQUID! While I must admit I made this prediction prior to (i) knowing Rob at all and (ii) him suffering this setback, I wish I could now make him finish stronger. Just being able to make it and play will be a win this year. (CT's projection - 14th)

>>>View Player Card>>>

16 Chris Stevens

The legend of White Lightning started way back in the fall of 1987. George Michael’s “Faith” was sitting atop the charts and a fresh-faced Charlie Sheen was learning all the wrong lessons from mentor Gordon Gekko. The weather was unseasonably warm for Topeka and Chris Stevens was curled up with high school sweet-heart Sandy Peppersmith in the cool shade of her father’s willow tree. Locals say the storm approached from nowhere, and when the hail fell, the two love birds were miles away from any shelter. They say never to stand under a tree when lightning is present, but with no where to run, the lovers huddled beneath the mighty tree, hoping for it’s protection. The last thing Chris saw was an explosion of light, and then...darkness. When he awoke, both he and Sandy were safely inside the school gym, taking refuse with the rest of the community as an F-5 tornado ripped through the town. But what happened to them, and how did they get there? Dozens of eye witnesses shared a similar, though confusing sight. They saw a white blur, that could best be described as a man carrying a woman away from the deadly funnel. Those in the gym don’t even recall seeing Chris and Sandy enter they gym...they just appeared...Chris dazed and out of breath. To this day, Chris doesn’t know how they arrived safely, or why his pubic hair is white.

>>>View Player Card>>>

Saps Says: If he goes on a run here and there, Stevens could edge a little higher in the standings. I'm confident he'll round out the top 15. (Saps's Projection - 15)

CT Says: Stevens has been nowhere to be seen on the courses since last year’s Myrtle. However, it’s been 7 years since I’ve lived back in DC and I still have no clue if he even has a job. So, could he have been playing under the radar and practicing like a madman? Sure, it’s possible; but unlikely. He’ll come. He’ll bring a great attitude. He’ll drink his fair share of beers and beyond. But contend? Not this year. (CT's projection - 16th)

So there you have the projected bottom 5. Coming soon, #s 15 - 11. Who is the projected #1? Stay tuned to find out - and as always you can head over to the LBI Facebook group to discuss / argue / lay down bets! Now, if you will excuse me, I have a Myrtle jig to perform in my office.

MyrtleMyrtleMyrtleMyrtleMyrtle

~Saps

Course Review: Cannon Ridge Golf Club

"An 18-hole links course crammed into a 9-hole executive footprint"

Cannon Ridge Golf Club

9000 Celebrate Virginia Parkway
Fredericksburg, VA 22406-5445
(540) 735-8000

View Map

Rates (Weekday / Weekend):

Off Season - $59 / $69

In Season - $69 / $79

Twilight: Yes

Off Season - 2PM

In Season - 3PM

We've been playing golf in the Washington DC / Northern Virginia / Southern Maryland region for a number of years now, and it's a rare treat to play a new course. Cannon Ridge may not be the newest kid on the block (opened in 2003) but it was new to us, and I was excited to tee it up on a fresh face.

Cannon Ridge is a difficult course to review because there are so many positive aspects and only one real negative. The course boasts an impressive number of accolades including the 4-star "Best Places to Play" from Golf Digest ('06, '08, '08) as well as #1 Public Course on the East Coast (Golf Digest 2004) and the Top 3 Affordable New Public Course (Golf Digest 2004). Despite almost an hour drive from Washington DC, the friendly staff, well maintained fairways, smooth greens, nice practice facilities, and solid value make this course worthy of fighting I-95 traffic. Well...almost. All of these positive qualities just couldn't make up for the frustratingly claustrophobic layout.

I'll dig into my concerns with the layout in a bit, but first the positives. Perhaps more than any course in the area, Cannon Ridge does an excellent job of providing the all around golf experience. By this, I mean they do all of the little things which made it feel as though we were on a destination golf trip, rather than just your typical weekend tee time. Walking up to the course, the first thing we noticed was the large fire pit adjacent to the bag drop. Not only did this provide warmth on an unseasonably cold spring morning, it also gave off a rustic and antebellum charm - perfectly in sync with Cannon Ridge's civil war battlefield setting. The frost delay gave us an opportunity to explore the practice facilities, which were solid and well above average for the area. The range made use of grass tees (always a nice treat) and while the practice balls seemed old and beat up, we just figured they didn't want to break out the good balls in the soggy weather. Considering how everything else was top notch, we'll give them the benefit of the doubt.

The clubhouse isn't big, but they make good use of the limited space by providing a quaint feel. The bar area is also small, but the staff is friendly and mix a super solid bloody Mary. Drink specials included 6-pack specials for $12 (including PBR....yum!), and the grill made one of the best grilled cheese sandwiches we've seen.

Ok, so we've mentioned the value, the quaint / rustic charm, the friendly staff and the overall experience. Sounds perfect, right? Well it was....until we got to the first tee box. Looking out from the first tee, we honestly couldn't tell where to aim. #1, #2, #10 and #18 are stacked so closely together, that even though one of our foursome had played here in the past, he still aimed down #10. Not only was aiming difficult, but because the greens were right next to the tee boxes, it was almost impossible to keep your focus from all of the chatter. And it didn't get any better as you moved farther away from the clubhouse. Almost every tee box sits right atop the previous green - you'll get to know the group ahead and behind very well. Stacking the holes so closely also made the course feel more crowded. The course played slow for us (5.5 hour round), but I feel much of that can be blamed on the frost delay. Even if the course played faster, I still don't believe it would feel any less crowded. There was just too much stuff packed into too small of an area. Beyond the distraction of playing right on top of other golfers, the course layout was down right dangerous at times. #13 and #14 run up and back, but share a cart path. These two holes are also cart path only (no matter the conditions). As you drive away from #13 tee box, you will find yourself staring straight down the barrel of the tee box on #14. It doesn't even take a wild shot to put golfers in jeopardy.

The worst part however, is the individual hole layouts were brilliant. Architect Deane Beman does an excellent job of working with the land's natural contours and undulations. Every hole has its own personality - with multiple elevation changes and forced carries over ravines (make sure you play the appropriate tee box!). The course looks like it was carved into the landscape rather than simply bulldozed and planted. There are also several markers detailing various civil war related points of interest. When you take each hole in isolation, the course is damn near perfect. When you put it all together, it's just too damn cramped.

Some may argue the tightly packed layout is just a characteristic of a links style course - and while short tee to green distances are an hallmark of this style, I can't accept that the designer wanted golfers to feel this uncomfortable. More likely, the close proximity of the holes came about due to a desire to make optimal use of the available land. According to their website, Cannon Ridge is planning to add a second 18 sometime in the near future (though, this course would be private), and walking around the course you can see where they've already cleared the land to be developed. Soon they'll have 27 holes crammed into a space that should really hold 18.

Is it worth the drive? The value is there and so is the personality...but it's so cramped. It's a real shame, because they've absolutely nailed the little things. At the end of the day, while I enjoyed myself at the course, I just didn't enjoy myself on the course.

Simple Math

I've talked with many beginners about their fears of playing golf with low handicappers, and the most common response I hear is they don't want to be embarrassed. While this is understandable, it's also complete crap. Low handicappers really don't care how poorly you play. In fact, the reason someone is able to consistently shoot in the 70s or 80s is because they are really focused on what they are doing. No, what annoys a low handicapper is not how many balls you fire into the woods, it's the time spent looking for the balls you fire into the woods. Nothing kills a round of golf faster than slow play. It's the age old adage: if you're going to suck, suck fast.

"That's total BS," you're probably saying "I've seen low handicappers looking for their ball in the woods. In fact, I've played with guys who spend what seems like forever before they give up and take a penalty stroke. It's not fair."

There's a reason low handicappers are "allowed" to spend a few minutes looking for a lost ball - they're better at golf! Take a breath and relax, I'm not advocating any kind of golfer elitism. Much like Ferris Bueller, I don't condone ism's. It's really a matter of simple math. A low handicapper might take as many as 20 to 30 fewer strokes than a beginner. If the two golfers finish the round in the same time, the beginner must play faster in order to pack those extra strokes into the round.

And now for some math...

Let's take an "average" round of 4 hours and 45 minutes or 285 minutes. In order to play 18 holes in this time, a golfer needs to play each hole in a little under 16 minutes. Looking at it another way, an average course comes in around 6,600 yards - to cover this distance the golfer needs to average 1 yard for every 2:35 seconds.

So:

For an average par 3 ~180 yards, you would assume 7 minutes and 46 seconds

For an average par 4 ~380 yards, you would assume 16 minutes and 25 seconds

For an average par 5 ~500 yards, you would assume 21 minutes and 35 seconds

Are you with me so far? Pretty basic, but now we're going to toss in a couple of wrinkles. You see, the time assumption can't be applied so simply since the majority of time on each hole is taken on the tee box and on the putting green. We're assuming it splits thusly:

10% of the time is spent on the tee box

40% of the time is spent between the tee box and the green

50% of the time is spent on the green

Let's go back to our initial estimate of 16 minutes per hole (4 hours 45 minutes / 18 holes). Using the assumptions identified above, you would see the following:

~1.5 minutes on the tee box

~9 minutes on the green

~6.3 minutes between tee and green

Over the course of a 4 hour and 45 minute round, the average golfer will spend around 28 minutes on the tee boxes, and 143 minutes on the greens.

Oh, and you still need to get from the tee to the green. For this exercise we'll assume the use of golf carts with an average speed of 12 miles per hour or 21,120 yards per hour or 352 yards per minute. Now, lets also take that average course length of 6,600 yards and gross it up by 10% (since you rarely go from the tee box to the green in a straight line), which gives us an estimated driving distance of 7,260 yards. In a golf cart traveling 352 yards per minute, the average golfer will spend 28.6 minutes driving around the course.

So now we've got:

28 minutes on the tee box

143 minutes on the greens

28 minutes driving in the golf cart

Subtotal: 191.6 minutes

All of this leaves a little over 93 minutes to reach the green after you've left the tee box!

But wait, there's more. Since a par 3 only requires a tee shot to reach the green (or at least the area around the green), we'll take them out. Assuming the average course has four par 3's, we'll take those remaining 93 minutes and divide them by the remaining 14 holes, giving us 6.7 minutes.

What does that mean? Simply put, in order to finish a round of golf under the 4 hour 45 minute mark, a golfer has less than 7 minutes to get to the green once they leave the tee box on each hole.

Based on a golfers handicap, we can assume the following:

Handicap: Avg Number of Shots to Reach the Green:

0-5 1.0

6-10 1.5

11-15 2.0

16-20 2.5

21-25 3.0

25+ 4.0

Here's where all that complicated math gets simple. Since the low handicapper will probably only require 1 or 2 shots to reach the green. This means they can can take the time to look for the occasional ball in the woods. The law of averages says that if they spend 5 minutes looking for a ball on one hole, they'll make that time up somewhere along the round. The high handicapper on the other hand, will have to cram 3 or 4 shots into that 7 minute window - which means they simply don't have time to spend looking for a ball.

Here's a graph:

Whereas the low handicapper can spend the full 7 minutes on the shot, a 25+ golfer will need to average under 2 minutes per shot. That doesn't leave much time for practice swings, club selection, shot gunning beers, looking for lost balls, apologizing to home owners, and filling out insurance forms. If your handicap is in the 20s or even if you're a 10 to 15, you just don't have time to mess around out there. If you're worried about losing balls, either buy cheaper balls (there are a lot of good ones out there) or get better. When you hit a ball into the woods, give it a quick look, then take the drop and penalty. Heck, the penalty stroke is probably going to HELP your scorecard rather than spending 4 strokes trying to punch out of the woods.

There you have it, mathematical proof that if you are going to suck, suck fast. So to all you beginners out there, the next time your low handicap buddy invites you out, take him up on the offer. No one minds playing with beginners, so long as they don't kill the round with slow play.

~Saps

How will it all end?

There are some dangerous events on the horizon, but just how will it all end? Make your guess and see if you're right! At the very least it'll give you something to brag about during armageddon!!

Blasters: A Retrospective

Looking back, it was fitting Shea and I received the Montgomery County Golf email when we did. The two of us were sitting at bar, two beers into an impromptu day-after-Thanksgiving booze-a-thon. As we waited for others to trickle in, we opened our phones and sealed our fate; "9-holes...par 45...5,557 yards....Blasters Open..." We fired off emails to the local crew, and within minutes we had Brett signed up as our 3rd. Mikey would join up later to round out what would become an epic foursome.

Essentially what they'd done was take the par 70, 6,100-yard course at Falls Road and cut it in half....then doubled it. Rather than the first hole being a short 330 yard par 4, it was transformed into an 800-yard par 6! Holes included sharp 90 degree doglegs, blind shots over trees, forced carries over greens (many of which were in play and contained fellow blasters trying to sink putts while ducking for cover)! In a word....Blasters!!!!

See the flyer: http://www.montgomerycountygolf.com/pdf//2010%20FRGC%20Blasters%20Open.pdf

The format was an odd combination - a "shamble" they called it. Each player fired a tee shot and everyone played from the best drive. From there, each player played their own ball, and the best score was recorded. This added an additional level of difficulty - especially for our squad which included a 36+ handicapper. It also meant that birdies would be super difficult, unless you were the group that cheated (and therefore won), but we'll get to that soon enough.

Much like Myrtle, the days leading up to the Blasters could not pass fast enough.

The 4 of us felt like school girls waiting for an NKOTB concert to start. "Why can't it be here already," we'd whine over and over. I passed the time creating an elaborate google map of the golf course complete with blasters strategy....to which we did not adhere in the slightest. Of us all, Shea was easily the most excited. Blasters was scheduled to start promptly at 10 am. Shea was knocking on Brett's door a hair before 7 am, with the first documented shotgun performed at 6:56 am. I boarded the metro leaving Vienna at 7:15 and joined the shotgun festivities around 8:30 am. The Blasters was already living up to expectations. When Mike arrived I gave everyone their Blaster's day presents - a dozen florescent (yellow and orange) bridgestone e-6's....individually labeled with the team Blasters logo (arts and crafts time). After a couple more shotguns and a few shots of bourbon, we loaded our bags with CL's and lit out towards the Blasters.

When we arrived at Falls Road, we were already feeling the effects of drinking before breakfast (or DBB)...you know that mix of the not quite awake feeling you have before the 6th cup of coffee and the elevated buzz you get from drinking on an empty stomach. The placid jitters of a nervous calm. We signed in and grabbed a little something to eat at the complimentary breakfast - mainly just coffee and muffins, but it was included which was nice. Actually, I should pause here to point out just how rad Montgomery County and the Falls Road Golf Course are. Not only was this a great idea and a great deal ($60 per player, included small breakfast, range tokens, drink specials, and a couple complimentary 16 oz boozer!!), but it really showed a departure from the stuffy attitudes you get at a lot of courses. They essentially designed a tournament where golfers were encouraged to go all 'Happy Gilmore' - firing drivers from the fairway, spraying balls all over the course, and enjoying a few beers and laughs along the way. Big ups to Montgomery County Golf for encouraging some fun.

Anyway, back to the impending debauchery. The weather forecast was calling for a "moderate" December day, with temperatures in the high 30s. Instead we arrived at the course to find a frost delay (not unexpected) and snow flurries (somewhat unexpected). Brett and I decided the best course of action was to belly up to the bar and order a few pre-round boozers. We ordered a 12 pack of 16oz CLs (in addition to the dozen or so beers we had in our bags). As we cracked open a tall boy, we noticed we were the only ones drinking. A fellow Blaster approached us:

"Wow, I wasn't sure the bar was open yet."

"The bar opened at 6:56." Brett replied.

After about 45 minutes they herded us to our carts and set us off - not because the frost had burned off, but because conditions weren't going to get any better. The snow continued as we drove to our starting hole. We teed off on hole #9; a 679-yard downhill par 5. They had 2 groups starting out at each hole, and the group at the tee box with us consisted of 4 older gentlemen in their late 50's. Mikey started us off but the tee box was still frozen so hard he couldn't get a tee into the ground. One of the older dudes behind us laughed and said "does anyone have a hammer?" Not missing a beat, Brett ran over to Mike's bag and produced a bottle of Gentlemen's Jack.

"I've got the hammer right here," Brett, now king of the one-liners, said.

The old dude happily took the bottle from Brett, unscrewed the cap, and very professionally put down a shot. Blasters.

The florescent yellow and orange blasters balls seemed like a fun novelty - obnoxious but functional (which pretty much sums up everyone in the LBI), but as we made our approach shots on the first hole we learned the bright orange and yellow was going to be critical. The snow was now completely covering the greens - and they were still frozen.

It took a couple of holes before we got used to the frozen factor. Anything landing on the green took a cart path sized bounce into the air. Putting on the snow covered greens was even more of a challenge. The balls picked up snow as they rolled, making any putt over 5 feet impossible. I don't mean that as hyperbole - it wasn't possible to know which way the ball would spiral as it picked up snow, nor was it possible to know how far the ball would roll before it stopped. I make this point because not only was each player responsible for playing their own balls after the drive, but you couldn't hold the frozen greens - and you couldn't sink a putt. Facing all of this, the winning team claims to have shot 4 under...on a par 9, 5,550-yard frozen and snow covered course.....playing snow white balls. Say it with me kids; "Shenanigans!"

More on the cheating later.

Our 2nd hole was #1 - this was my favorite Blaster's hole. I started it out with a big drive down the middle of the fairway. Because of the frozen ground, the ball landed and rolled up to the green - almost 320 yards. For my next shot, I tried to play a "safe" shot based on the strategy I laid out in my Blasters course guide. I failed (terribly), but I learned an important lesson; there is no safe shot in the Blasters. Brett hit the first of several solid drivers off the deck. I believe Shea also hit a driver off the deck or maybe it was a fairway wood....either way it was a Crush over the next tee box, a little to the right but a long way. I can't remember exactly what Mike did, but I know for a fact he didn't hit the ball 200 yards to the left. Or maybe that's exactly what he did. Cue the circus music for another entertaining romp on the frozen greens, and we recorded our second par and moved onto the next hole.

I won't detail each hole, but I feel the first 3 are worthy of the electronic ink. Hole #2 (our 3rd hole) started on a par 3, with the tee shot flying over the green, over the cart path, and over the tee box on the next hole. Moreover, the flight line also traveled over the left edge of the #3 green, so someone had to drive over and fore-caddy / tell the dudes putting to kiss their asses good-bye. No one died at our hands (thankfully) but even though our shots all landed in a good position, we still came within 10 yards of the guys on the green. Again, this was by design...they designed to course to have people putting with golf balls whizzing by their heads! Blasters!

Since there was a bit of a backup at the start, we waited until our 4th hole before our 1st on course shotgun (though we'd been plowing through the beers, and had several shots of the whiskey to keep warm). The 16 oz tall boys went down hard in the cold snow, but they eventually went down. The group behind us gave us a little tip of the cap. By the time we reached "the turn" after the 5th hole, we needed more beers (even our bags were growing light).

The course only had one par 3, weighing in at 282 yards (uphill, of course). It's December, the snow is still falling, albeit a flurry, and while we've lost any comprehension of time, we figure it's probably somewhere around Shirtless o'clock.

Maybe it was the Gentleman's Jack, or the shotguns, or the CLs, or the adrenaline rush from teeing off half naked with the group behind us watching - but it really didn't feel all that cold at the time. My ball was crushed and actually finished past the hole (keep in mind the ground was still frozen solid). Unfortunately the green was elevated and my ball rolled down the hill to the right. I didn't win closest to the pin (yes, there was actually a prize for closest to the pin on a 282 yard par 3), but I did managed to get up and down for bogey - and since everyone else's tee shot landed in suck, the bogey was key. Oh, I should mention we didn't just rock the shirtless for our tee shots then cower back under our multiple layers - oh no, we honored the shirtless par 3 and rolled the entire hole. Whatever warmth I was feeling on the tee box was quickly gone as we drove off in our carts. After we holed out, we took in another of life's goodnesses - Shirtless Shotguns....again with spectators.

When we walked into the clubhouse we were feeling pretty good, both in terms of our score and our level of intoxication. We finished at +4, and while we knew we weren't going to win, we thought it was a respectable score - and it was. There were some monster numbers posted and we were towards the front of the pack. We gorged on the chili and plethora of fried goodness Falls Road laid out for us, and awaited the winning score. On the course we'd shared a beer with one of the course pros and back in the clubhouse he was giving us some insight into the groups. It turned out the course pros were playing in the tournament, and they seemed to be the team to beat (one guy racked up all of the long drive prizes). Much to our surprise, the team of course pros finished 2nd at -1, a heck of a good score considering all of the obstacles. They then announced the winning team...finishing at -4. I remember a lot of grumbling from the crowd - even the guy making the announcement made an off handed comment about them fudging their score. Brett however, decided not to reduce his objections to a dull murmur.

"Bullshit!"

"Booooooo. Boooo. Bullshit. Bullshit!"

"BULLSHIT!"

At first there were some laughs, but then it got a little awkward...except for our table. We were rolling. Because really, screw those guys! There was NO WAY they finished with that score. There was no way they could have made any long putts, and there was no way their balls got lucky enough to land close enough to the hole on frozen greens.....no way...no way.

Putting the bitterness behind, we rolled back to Brett's place. Mike, who drew the short straw of driver, opted to grab a nap on the couch. The rest of us scoured Brett's place for booze. We found some bourbon, a couple straggling beers, and a bottle of wine. They all went down. We then tried to fire up some Rock Band, but unfortunately Brett couldn't find the microphone. He looked high and low, and basically tore his place apart trying to find the mic - but it was nowhere to be found. This, as you might expect, led to rage....and Brett's rage led to Shea's and my delight.

"Brett, where's the mic?"

"I don't fucking know.....DAMMIT..."

"Brett, let's play Rock Band, where's the mic?"

"FUCK"

By this point we were in B.O.B (Black-Out Brett) territory, which meant only one thing; Jay's Saloon! We piled in Mike's car (the dude was a trooper) and rolled out to Jays. We walked in, asked the waitress for a table, took 4 steps towards said table, and then Brett called an audible; "We're going to CCR....we need boobies." Boom, 'nuff said! The waitress was in the process of cleaning off the table when she saw our about-face. "Where are you going?" She asked. "Ah," I started, "we're heading to another establishment." Seeing the look of sadness in her eyes, I did the only honorable thing I could think of...I blamed it all on Brett. "He wants to go to a nudie bar." She looked at our group disappointingly, "well, ok." She turned around and looked a little bitter. I'm not sure what kind of reaction I was looking for - maybe a firm pat on the back "oh, you rascals, get on out of here....scamps...." I started to think that I should apologize for making her clean the table then bolting, but by this time everyone else was out the door and I realized I really didn't care. Off to the nudie bar to see boobies!!

I don't know if this point was mentioned earlier, but the Blasters took place on a Friday. We'd been drinking steadily since 7 am on a weekday. Moreover, my girlfriend (my lovely and unbelievably forgiving girlfriend, who will no doubt be reading this write-up) was working until midnight. As she dropped me off at the metro that morning, she asked when I'd be home. "Not late," I said "I really don't want to be out late today....there's no way I can start drinking this early and last all day." Well, apparently I don't know my true potential, because I was certainly out well past "not late." As we walked into CCR I had a vague recollection of telling my girlfriend I'd be home before she got home. As we took our seats at the front of the stage I let out a small sigh, "well, looks like I won't be getting home before she does....it's a good thing she's so beautiful and understanding."

Blasters has now reached Myrtle status. The four of us are bellied up to the stage, tossing back boozers with one hand, and tossing out dollars with the other. As Brett and I argued back and forth as to who the strippers liked more (it was me), Shea and Mike stuffed their faces with fine grubbers (Mike was putting down some of the tasty prime rib). Somewhere in the dwindling hours of the night (it was maybe 9pm) Brett wandered off. We hoped he was getting picked up by his girlfriend for a ride home, but we later heard he was wandering through the streets of Crystal City. Thankfully, at this time of the night, he still had his clothes on. Eventually the ATM stopped giving me money, which meant I had nothing left to offer the lovely ladies. My charm wore off quickly once I lost my fistful of dollars and it was time to head home. Mike drove us back to Brett's place, and we were relieved to learn he made it home safely - although he never did find the Rock Band mic. By this time my girlfriend was off work, and rather than going straight home to rest, she agreed to meet up somewhere in Arlington to drive my drunk ass home. I piled all my stuff into Mike's ride, and as we drove away from Brett's I shed a tear knowing the Balsters had come to an end. It was a good day....no...it was a great day. The Blasters offered a glimpse of what lay ahead for Myrtle. A preview of shirtlessness, boozers and boobies - drunken golf in the snow is topped only by drunken golf in the sun. We showed up to the rendezvous and jumped out to grab my clubs from the trunk...where I then emptied the contents of my golf bag onto Wilson Blvd.

Blasters...